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| Blogs > peekabooicu2ucme > Musings and mayhem of my mind |
How I got fucked
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How I got fucked He was working a lot of hours, two different jobs. Making lots of money, but spending it faster than he could bring it in. I was paying all of the bills. When he was home he wasn't really there, he was in front of the television, or playing a video game. To the youngest, daddy was a voice on the phone, or that man that put her in her high chair or play pen so he could have some "me time". The other clamored for his attention. Loudly. The boy began to get angry. The angrier he got, the more he took it out on who was around. Lucky me. I'd work at night, come home during the day and find chaos. I'd reign in order for a bit. But then daddy was home and everything would fall apart. The rules did not apply. Resentment built. Discussions repeated many times became arguements and finally sore spots. Names were called. Feelings were hurt. Romance became less frequent. I slept less and less. We drifted as my belly grew larger with our on her way. I tried to reach out. I fell on my face. I got tired of trying to row the boat by myself. I was going in circles. I reached out. I poured out. Nothing. And then I saw it. That old familiar behavior. The missing time. The secretive guilty looks. The defensive attacks. Which one was he fucking? Ah, the one that would give me dirty looks. I knew. I confirmed. I confronted. Denial, of course. But I knew. 2 weeks away from my due date I waddled into family court to file for divorce. I refused to cry as I filled out the many forms. I refused to cry as I arranged for babysitters to watch my . I refused to cry as I asked my Doctor for a STD test. I refused to cry until I was alone in my bed in the middle of the night wondering if I could make it. Then I pulled myself together. Of course I could. I am strong. I am smart. I work hard. Of course I can. He moved in with his brother across the street from me. And then he brought her there to rub it in my face. I took video of them for court evidence. They smiled, laughed and waved. I wondered to myself what kind of a woman fucks a married man across the street from his pregnant wife and thinks nothing of it. She was a married woman with herself. I wondered what kind of a man I had married. How someone could say he loved me one day and the next be crushing me emotionally and destroying the life he'd promised to me. I fantasized about violent things. I hated. I felt rage both cold and hot. My veins were aflame with built up pressure. I wanted to hurt, torture, kill. That first night he called me to ask for pajamas because he was sure I "didn't want to think of him naked with her". I controlled myself. I gave them to him. I told him I did because I was a better person than he'd ever be. I was cold and calculated. When their landlady kicked her out because she knew me and what was happening, the girl went back to her husband. Then the "I'm sorry, take me back" began. I laughed. Typical. I delivered our baby with only my mother and the medical staff there two weeks late. I think she held on because she knew that I needed more time. I had lost 12 pounds. I refused to cry when I saw her. I refused to be anything but happy. I called him and told her she was out. I took their picture. I smiled and made nice. The medical staff glared. Our divorce was quick. He was at a moment where he wanted to please me. I coldly planned it all out. I knew what I wanted and how to get it. I know how the laws work and how hard it would be for him to change anything. He was only worried about his precious paycheck. He can keep it. I have what I want and need. His lover kept in touch with him for a bit. Every time she left him, he'd call on me. I laughed at him for a long time. Until I had a weak moment and needed a comfortable blankie. It came with a price. I was ridiculous enough to try to forgive. I found I couldn't. I simply could not. I called it off. Permanently. Now I am harassed. Stalked. "Needed". "Wanted". "Loved". It's bizarre. The vows we took meant nothing to him and yet everything to me. The cruel statements and verbal attacks linger in my mind. I can be plesant, but I can not be in love. I can move forward, but I can never allow myself to move backwards. It is a common story, but it is mine. Make of it what you will.  |
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8/7/2009 1:10 pm |
Kinda makes you wonder if it's all really worth it. Sometimes I think I'm better off just learning how to live being lonely. Comfortably numb is a better place then the depths someone else can take you. Sure they lift you up sometimes, but it only leaves you further to fall.
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Kinda makes you wonder if it's all really worth it. Sometimes I think I'm better off just learning how to live being lonely. Comfortably numb is a better place then the depths someone else can take you. Sure they lift you up sometimes, but it only leaves you further to fall.
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8/7/2009 3:07 pm |
And this is why this LADY is an absolute ROCK a PILLAR of RESPECT she deserves to be treated with HONOUR and HONESTY and it's a pleasure knowing her. PEACE A lots Cxxxxxx
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And this is why this LADY is an absolute ROCK a PILLAR of RESPECT she deserves to be treated with HONOUR and HONESTY and it's a pleasure knowing her. PEACE A lots Cxxxxxx
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Wow, the nerve and balls of your ex. How can he walk they are so inflated and full of himself. I have heard of few that are as big of an ass...
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Wow, the nerve and balls of your ex. How can he walk they are so inflated and full of himself. I have heard of few that are as big of an ass...
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Well written catharsis. Whatta prick! It's really sad when people withdraw, dont communicate, and don't care. I'm sorry you got mixed up in that and continue to be strong. All are welcome to an audience with The Magnificent One oldirtybacchus
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Well written catharsis. Whatta prick! It's really sad when people withdraw, dont communicate, and don't care. I'm sorry you got mixed up in that and continue to be strong.  What can I say? Sometimes smart people make stupid choices.  At least I have my midgets.
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2/10/2010 10:57 am |
been there...way back there now...time does heal all wounds (or at least fades the memory of them)...in a much, much better place now...didn't get to keep my daughter back then...she and I are as close as could be now...she figured things out and so did I...her mother?...i'm polite on the rare occassion we run into each other,but could honestly care less...you sound like a wonderfull, intelligent person...life will one day be better than you can imagine right now!
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been there...way back there now...time does heal all wounds (or at least fades the memory of them)...in a much, much better place now...didn't get to keep my daughter back then...she and I are as close as could be now...she figured things out and so did I...her mother?...i'm polite on the rare occassion we run into each other,but could honestly care less...you sound like a wonderfull, intelligent person...life will one day be better than you can imagine right now! Life isn't so bad now, and I'm sure it will get better, because despite it's downs, there are a lot of ups too.
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