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| Blogs > peekabooicu2ucme > Musings and mayhem of my mind |
Family, turkey day, and a bit of history
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Family, turkey day, and a bit of history With Thanksgiving coming right up family is on a lot of peoples minds. Family means different things to different people. There are "traditional" families, and very non-traditional families. This is a small story about part of my family. My parents were divorced when I was 8. Everyone that "knew" us thought we were the "perfect family". A dad, a mom, 4 , religious, polite, good students, living in a duplex with my grandparents so my parents could help them in their golden years. No one could understand why my mom would leave for another man. I understood. My father was a very harsh man. He wanted to keep my mother barefoot and pregnant so to speak. He was not kind and he had a temper. He did not love my mother so much as he possessed her. She belonged to him, much like us did. We were there to keep her in line. I'm not completely against corporal punishment, a smack on the tush never really hurt anyone, but we did not get just a smack on the butt, we got a belt. Welts on the backside of any is not a normal or good thing. My mother protected us as much as she could from this, but she was supposed to be the submissive house wife while father knows best. My mother suffered from depression for a long time and was subjected to more harsh treatment mentally and emotionally than I care to put into words here. Let it suffice to say that I was happy that she got strong and escaped. With that action my father turned into another person. He needed to find us a new mother and himself a new release, maid, person to control. He became the tragic figure. No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors. On the hunt for a replacement he found the perfect dupe. She was a very nice person and lonely for someone in her life. She brought with her a that my father tormented about her weight incessantly until she took it upon herself to get rid of it. He hated her, and she in return hated all of us, until she realized that we were allies. We never got extremely close, but there were moments when it was almost like having a sister. Most of the time it was more like knowing that she didn't really want to be in my company, but with no other options I'd do in a pinch. At least that's how I felt. My new step-mother had a very hard time with my older brothers. They were resentful of her presence and did not listen to her at all. I did my best to get along, but I resented her trying to be my mother when I had one that I loved very much. I put her through some tough times too, until I realized that she didn't want to replace her, just to fit into our family in the role she was handed. I apologized profusely to her when I became a step-parent myself.  My mother married the man she'd left my father for. He had 2 that lived with their mother. He was not a "natural father". He had no idea how to deal with and was pretty much a bitter person that hates people. He has moments when he can be charming and is not a stupid man, just not sociable. And he drinks. When he drinks especially, he has a temper. Verbal temper, but a temper. were to be seen not heard, and certainly they were never to touch anything, do anything, or even breath improperly without prior permission given. (Seriously, I got yelled at for sighing.) A lot of things happened in that house that shaped who I became and what doesn't cause us to kill ourselves out of utter despair, does make us stronger. At one point I did get strong, and I learned to not be a victim any longer. I made my peace with all that had happened, and I changed me. I found my voice, and I was never weak in that way again. Of course our new families came with extended families. Most of them were kind to me and my brothers. I say most, because I remember very clearly once, not eavesdropping, but just happening to overhear one of these people saying something that always stuck with me, and let me know my place there or lack thereof. "Why would you want to invite them, they're just step-, not real family." That stung a lot. But I never let on that I had heard it. What would be the point? I wasn't real to them anyways. But it made me think a lot when I married my second husband who had 2 small . I vowed to never make them feel any less than real, and to always let them know that they were a real part of a real family, even though it wasn't a "traditional" one. I always wanted to let them know that they were loved as much as my biological that their father and I had together. When their birth mother found out that I was pregnant she told them that we were starting a new family and would not want or need them any more. What a vicious thing to say to !  When they told me that, it reminded me of what I had overheard as a and I tried my best to reassure them that what she had said was not true, but spoken out of hurt, anger and fear. Over the years I got to hear some wonderful things from these like, "you may not be my real mom, but you're my best mom", and "You're the realest mom that I have". They're bitter sweet statements because I truly wish that their mother was a decent individual able to care for her , mentally stable and not what she is, not for my sake, but for theirs. Watching her break their hearts, and tear at their minds has always brought me pain, to see how much they hurt from her abuse and neglect. There were moments when the boy even asked me if I would adopt him and his sister. I would have in a heart beat, but the way the legal system is, it is incredibly hard to get a parents rights removed completely, unless the are in state custody. The loop holes, etc, are enough to run a person through a lot of legal bills, and get you no where, while an abusive crack that lives off the system still retains just enough rights to interfere with 's lives that she has no part of. It sickens me. When I divorced their dad, the boy and I had fallen out because of his violent tendencies, which multiple mental health facilities, medications, support groups and hospitalizations could not change or contain. He apologizes now, and still tries to hug me and wants to be a part of my life in some small ways on occasion, but I can't for my sanity and safety allow him the closeness we once shared. It's not lightly I say this, and it does break my heart to see the kind of a person he chooses to be at 15. I only hope he sees how he is effecting his life in the negative, and can turn himself straight, as it is obvious that no one else is able to make that choice for him. The girl though, begged me to stay here with her sisters and myself. How could I have ever thought to say no? I never for one moment did. In fact, I had discussed it with her father before she even asked. But I did hear from others something I'd hoped never to hear. "Why are you keeping her, she's not really family. She'll just make it harder for you." I calmly explained to those that asked how I had known her since she was 18 months old and had been dropped off at the bottom of the stairs of my apartment one afternoon by her "mother" and been told to "have a nice life." I explained that it was me that held her hand when she got shots, me that tucked her into bed, me that shared her fears, tears, laughter and life all of these years when her "mother" was too high to know what she was doing to "her ". It was me beside her father at every court hearing, me at doctors appointments, counseling sessions, talking with Guardian Ad Litems, state workers, trauma doctors, and lawyers. I am the one that feeds, bathes, clothes, loves and protects her. If that doesn't make her a "real " and me a "real mother", I guess the definitions need to be broadened, because we are a real family, even though we aren't "traditional". I also have some very close friends that I consider to be a part of my family. These are the friends that are always there no matter what to help any of us, with anything. And just like other families, sometimes some move away and so we don't see them as often as we'd like, or hear from them as much as we did at one point, but they're always in our hearts, and will always be welcome into our home with open arms. That's what family is to me. Belonging because of love. So I'm having Thanksgiving here with just the and their dad this year, as mine doesn't celebrate, and apparently no one from his side has invited any of us. Traditionally we had it at my house every year, but well, I'm working the night before until 11 am and just didn't feel up to doing the whole thing for a lot of people. Not to mention the fact that I'm no longer "family" to his family with maybe one or two exceptions. Basically I'm just the chick he fucked for about 10 years or so and just so happened to have incubated a few midgets for him. I'm fine with this. Really.  What kind of a family do you have? What're you doing for Thanksgiving?  |
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My mother, 3 sisters and older brother are all very close in both the facts that we all get on really well and still live in the same town. We always try help each other out through thick and thin. 
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Thank you for sharing. I hope you have a good Thanksgiving. 
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 That's one of the best compliments I have ever gotten and it means a lot knowing that it's genuine. 
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My mother, 3 sisters and older brother are all very close in both the facts that we all get on really well and still live in the same town. We always try help each other out through thick and thin. Have a wonderful Turkey day.
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Strength and courage. That failing, a quick escape route planned out in advance.
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 True! Nice thinking.
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Nice. Have a great Thanksgiving.
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11/24/2009 7:57 pm |
I don't think I could have asked for a better family, though it would have been nice if I could have had a few rich ones. Parents still married, probably because neither one could find another person crazy enough to put up with each others shit. I guess we're dysfunctional in more of a comical way. I have an older sister and a younger brother. My sister has 5 kids, my brother has 4, and I have zero. My brother and I really bonded as kids thanks to the many bullies that found it fun to beat on the poor kids in the neighborhood. People always think he's the older one. My sister didn't get to share the experience so I think that's why where not as close. I've also never been real close to my mother, I think it's because we both think we know everything. My dad on the other hand, it's been said we're practically clones, which in some cases worry me, but I've inherited his since of humor, and for that I am very grateful. My brother and sister both have successful careers, he's a corrections officer and she's a nurse. Which left it up to me to play the role of family fuck up. Every family needs one. It's actually kinda funny since when we were growing up I was supposed to be the smart one. That's kinda the family in a nutshell. I'm spending this ThanksforNothing with my brother and his family. It will be a tough one since it is the last time I'll get to spend with them before the big move, and then I'll only get to see them a couple times a year. I've been a big part of his family since back when his kids where in diapers. I've spent almost as much time with them as their parents, I taught them how to fish, I cleaned up all the puke when the youngest got sick. It kinda rips my heart out moving this far away. Hell my oldest nephew is actually one of my best friends.
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I don't think I could have asked for a better family, though it would have been nice if I could have had a few rich ones. Parents still married, probably because neither one could find another person crazy enough to put up with each others shit. I guess we're dysfunctional in more of a comical way. I have an older sister and a younger brother. My sister has 5 kids, my brother has 4, and I have zero. My brother and I really bonded as kids thanks to the many bullies that found it fun to beat on the poor kids in the neighborhood. People always think he's the older one. My sister didn't get to share the experience so I think that's why where not as close. I've also never been real close to my mother, I think it's because we both think we know everything. My dad on the other hand, it's been said we're practically clones, which in some cases worry me, but I've inherited his since of humor, and for that I am very grateful. My brother and sister both have successful careers, he's a corrections officer and she's a nurse. Which left it up to me to play the role of family fuck up. Every family needs one. It's actually kinda funny since when we were growing up I was supposed to be the smart one. That's kinda the family in a nutshell. I'm spending this ThanksforNothing with my brother and his family. It will be a tough one since it is the last time I'll get to spend with them before the big move, and then I'll only get to see them a couple times a year. I've been a big part of his family since back when his kids where in diapers. I've spent almost as much time with them as their parents, I taught them how to fish, I cleaned up all the puke when the youngest got sick. It kinda rips my heart out moving this far away. Hell my oldest nephew is actually one of my best friends.
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Humor is great, strange or not. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
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I come from a traditional nuclear family. My parents are still married and the older I get, the more appreciative I am that they were my parents. I have one sibling, a sister and we get on well. She is still together with her spouse and father of her children, who are now pretty much grown. He is also a close friend of mine. Me, I'm married and intend staying married. My kids are pretty much grown as well. While there is always bits of shouting and sometimes verbal slanging matches, they never become violent and after half an hour or so, the disagreements are pretty much forgotten. I guess I'm lucky as we don't really have any major issues with each other and our family seems to get on fairly well.
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I come from a traditional nuclear family. My parents are still married and the older I get, the more appreciative I am that they were my parents. I have one sibling, a sister and we get on well. She is still together with her spouse and father of her children, who are now pretty much grown. He is also a close friend of mine. Me, I'm married and intend staying married. My kids are pretty much grown as well. While there is always bits of shouting and sometimes verbal slanging matches, they never become violent and after half an hour or so, the disagreements are pretty much forgotten. I guess I'm lucky as we don't really have any major issues with each other and our family seems to get on fairly well.
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11/27/2009 12:10 pm |
You've read what I have to say about my family, so no point sharing here. However, I would like to say that you are a hell of a person for having things like that said and still coming through it. As you say, what doesn't kill you does make you stronger, but it's also difficult for the things you go through to not leave their mark in bitterness. It hasn't with you. You're a hell of a person, and I'm only annoyed that you're so far away. Happy Turkey Day! 
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You've read what I have to say about my family, so no point sharing here. However, I would like to say that you are a hell of a person for having things like that said and still coming through it. As you say, what doesn't kill you does make you stronger, but it's also difficult for the things you go through to not leave their mark in bitterness. It hasn't with you. You're a hell of a person, and I'm only annoyed that you're so far away. Happy Turkey Day! The world is both a very big and a very small place. We become closer to those we choose to. Thanks for the comment and the well wishes.
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