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| Blogs > peekabooicu2ucme > Musings and mayhem of my mind |
That ominous feeling
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That ominous feeling You know that moment before something terrible happens, like really just before? Do you feel that Sword of Damocles swinging, or are you completely shocked when the world as you know it shifts suddenly? Are you prepared for the worst, or does it hit you like a tidal wave, leaving you completely devastated? I have this issue you see, whenever I feel too happy, I start looking for what's going to go wrong. It's not that I want trouble and go trying to find it, it's that history has shown me time and time again that I will be stomped back into the ground if I try to fly too high. This may sound pessimistic to some, or maybe even jaded. I find it's just been my reality. I could pretend that everything is all honky dory and nothing has ever gone wrong ever, and that nothing ever will, but that'd just be me burying my head in the sand and refusing to face what has been and what could be. I say could be because I'm willing to accept that my luck or fate, whatever one wishes to call it can change. Things could be great from this moment forward. But I'm not counting on it, just open to it. Of course there will always be ups and downs in everyone's lives. No one leads a completely charmed life. Pain and hardships will touch every one of us from time to time. Perhaps those moments of despair are there to show us the contrast of what it is to be happy and at peace. Or perhaps those happy moments are just a reprieve from the chaos. That must be a glass half empty or glass half full kind of thing. It all depends on your own personal outlook. There are moments that I worry though, that I will be unable to grasp happiness fully should it appear. That I would be so busy looking for the other shoe to drop, that I might inadvertently not fully enjoy the moment, and not be a complete person, pushing others away with my inability to open up entirely. That I'd be so busy trying to protect myself, that I would never fully let anyone else in. That complete and utter trust may be something I'm not able to feel, waiting to be hurt. I realized the other day that opening up to someone makes me feel very vulnerable, and in feeling vulnerable, I tend to close up and pull away. Not intentionally, it's just what I do. I don't know how to stop that. That rush of euphoria, that happiness of finding someone to share things with, it leads to fear. And fear leads to withdrawal. Withdrawal leads to sadness, and sadness leads to anger at myself. It becomes a downward spiral that I try to stop, but I haven't been able to completely. And so that's where I am some days. Looking over my shoulder, feeling that shadow upon my head. Perhaps I'll be able to shrug it off someday, but not today.  |
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1/26/2010 4:43 pm |
Experience can be a bitch. Unfortuately what it teaches us isn't always nice or helpful. Like apparently everyone else here, I spend way too much time there as well. How many times can the waves crush you against the rocks before you just stay out of the water. If you keep happiness away it's harder to get hurt, but you're left empty. Find happiness, and it's always taken away, and you're left hurt. Each time you get knocked from the top of the mountain, you wonder why you keep climbing, so some of us stop. If you ever figure it out, please share. There hasn't been a day in a long time that I'd rather not wake up in the morning. I try to keep a happy facade, but most days I'm left asking myself what's the point.
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1/26/2010 4:58 pm |
Personally, it's only recently that I've been able to look back and realise that it hasn't all been....well...... shit, to be honest. I personally believe that there is nobody truly happy. Everybody has some form of acceptance, some form of compromise on their own happiness that gets them through the day. Everyone has their "Wouldn't it be great if...." thing if they're being truly honest. I swear I used to go on school holidays and from the second or third day I'd start to think about going back to school. It's not pessimism, it's life. So, the question is why continue? Well, I got a stark view of what's important over the weekend. I'll blog about it soon. Take care!
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All anyone can do is try. Thanks for the comment and welcome to my blog! 
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Or which dog(s) are gonna slobber all over it. 
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I knew we were kindred spirits.  You have a keeper. 
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Experience can be a bitch. Unfortuately what it teaches us isn't always nice or helpful. Like apparently everyone else here, I spend way too much time there as well. How many times can the waves crush you against the rocks before you just stay out of the water. If you keep happiness away it's harder to get hurt, but you're left empty. Find happiness, and it's always taken away, and you're left hurt. Each time you get knocked from the top of the mountain, you wonder why you keep climbing, so some of us stop. If you ever figure it out, please share. There hasn't been a day in a long time that I'd rather not wake up in the morning. I try to keep a happy facade, but most days I'm left asking myself what's the point. I don't want to be empty, and so I try.
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Personally, it's only recently that I've been able to look back and realise that it hasn't all been....well...... shit, to be honest. I personally believe that there is nobody truly happy. Everybody has some form of acceptance, some form of compromise on their own happiness that gets them through the day. Everyone has their "Wouldn't it be great if...." thing if they're being truly honest. I swear I used to go on school holidays and from the second or third day I'd start to think about going back to school. It's not pessimism, it's life. So, the question is why continue? Well, I got a stark view of what's important over the weekend. I'll blog about it soon. Take care! I'll keep a look out for that blog.
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Yepper, the word vomit is hard to hold in sometimes. Some days I feel like I'm a control freak, yet I TRY so very hard to just go with the flow and let things be as they are. It's a struggle though. It's hard to depend on anyone else when you've been let down so many times. 
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I know there are no guarantees, I suppose that's what makes it difficult to trust. Trust myself to make the right choices, and trust others to not use and abuse me. I forgive myself for bad choices, and some I forgive for their bad choices. It doesn't always make the pain from said choices disappear though, it left some pretty big scars. I'll keep on keeping on though. I have no desire to live the rest of my life in a bubble trying to protect myself from everything, and therefor missing out on anything. Just some days it's harder than others.
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I've used this prayer/proverb before many times myself. Sometimes I'm just terrible at following direction. Thanks!
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Of course we deserve to be happy, just letting go and making the right decisions that would lead to that is not always easy. I'm working on me a bit every day. I hope we both figure it out.
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 Gosh, I've gotta have some good "after" photos first! Enough with the pressure already, sheesh!
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1/27/2010 1:40 pm |
I look at it from the other end of the bench. If we know the bad is inevitable and there is nothing we can do to stop it, then that is fixed and there is no need to worry about it any longer. By choosing not to spend valuable time worrying about the things we can’t alter, it frees up more time to be involved in the things we have some control over. I’ve been thru some of same things as everyone else but have still come to the conclusion that darkness is only the absence of light. Go ahead and be prepared for the worst, but also commit to expecting the best. I hope that someday you will be able to shrug it off and fly high, where you belong. H. 
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I look at it from the other end of the bench. If we know the bad is inevitable and there is nothing we can do to stop it, then that is fixed and there is no need to worry about it any longer. By choosing not to spend valuable time worrying about the things we can’t alter, it frees up more time to be involved in the things we have some control over. I’ve been thru some of same things as everyone else but have still come to the conclusion that darkness is only the absence of light. Go ahead and be prepared for the worst, but also commit to expecting the best. I hope that someday you will be able to shrug it off and fly high, where you belong. H. I hope for that someday to arrive sooner than later myself.
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