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| Blogs > peekabooicu2ucme > Musings and mayhem of my mind |
Faking it
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Faking it It's not that I'm not brave or confident. It's not that I'm insecure or weak. It's not that I fear what people think of me. It's that I fear the unknown. Not all the unknown, just the stuff that's really important to me. Like what the judge is going to decide.  I think that I portrayed myself and my case well. I was prepared, had all the main points I needed to make written out for a cheat sheet to refer to if and when I needed to get the dates and references correct. I had everything I needed and I think I looked calm even though I was shaking inside. Anywho, I think that I faked it pretty well.  He on the other hand had nothing prepared including the financial affidavit he was supposed to have handed in weeks ago.  He admitted to everything I stated with only small contradictions that he then contradicted himself on...and he started an argument with the judge over something really stupid that all I could do was shake my head and smile.  I asked for the GAL that we've had in the past as she knows all of the and our history if the judge didn't have enough information with what we provided. RB stated that she was "prejudicial" and "didn't like him" so asked for a different one. GAL's are paid in NH. They do a very in depth job looking at ALL angles of what is best for the . They do not choose sides for the parents, they do it for the . That had to be a bit telling.  Anywho, I'm trying to not get my hopes up, but I do think that it went well. I like the judge and have seen him rule on other stuff for other people. He seems to be down to earth and fair.  He's also the kind of judge that doesn't want to see people in there all the time fighting over the same kinda stuff, so the way he makes his rulings tends to be pretty final and made so that a big change needs to happen in order to see the same people about the same stuff again, which is great because I hate being there in the first place. I know, this stuff isn't so funny and thought provoking as some of the stuff I like to do, but it helps me to write it all out for me, so there!  We got our eggs Monday!  Post Office did not hold them there like they were supposed to though so they were in a cold truck for an hour and a half.  We're going to candle them tomorrow to see if they're growing or not. *Fingers crossed!I got new undies today! And socks. Not as exciting as the undies, but I like 'em. Okay, here's something thought provoking maybe... PF told me the other day about chatting with someone he used to be intimate with. They were fwb before I met him, haven't talked for a year. I didn't care. I'm not jealous, not insecure about it, totally fine with it. He said that he felt like he was going out on a limb a little bit by telling me because he was worried that I would be mad or something. Should I be?  I don't think so. It's not as if he was chatting to hook up or anything, it was just a friendly conversation with someone he knew. I talk with people I was intimate with sometimes and I don't see anything wrong with it because I'm not betraying PF's trust by it. We've been monogamous for about a year or so and have always been open about what is what. I guess that's what it boils down to is honesty and communication. Anywho, thoughts?Well it's about that time for me where I need to crash. I'll catch up with you all soon!  |
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3/25/2011 1:36 pm |
I changed my undies today  Bond James 700  The1tonyroneZone always to provoke  the pope on dope
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3/25/2011 2:10 pm |
love to chat with you sometime
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3/25/2011 4:45 pm |
First off, thanks for a post on your world in motion. It's always good to read. I don't always feel it's appropriate to comment because I've not been privy to most of your personal information and feel it [comments] would be ungrounded. But I love the read never the less and appreciate your openess. I'm sure you did fantastic with your delivery to the court. From what I can tell, you're intelligent, articulate and thorough. That can be a pretty lethal combination on either side. As far as the PF communication with old flames and telling you about it as if there 'might' exist a problem (like he was reluctant you'd be worried). That in itself sends bells and whistles a chiming and blowing. I've known / counseled so many who start off this way on a road to a broken relationship. "He told me and/but I thought... or She let me know but I thought..." I'm not saying there is a problem. Only stating that in my experience, one partner will tell the other there has been a harmless interaction outside the relationship. After that has been disclosed there sometimes is a false sense of security because the one being 'told' the information now feels warm and fuzzy about the obvious 'honesty' when in fact sometimes there is a facade brewing for just that purpose, not always intented initially, but generally ending up this way. My advice would be to be careful and talk about details. Not in the sense you have a lack of trust, but in the sense that you are loving and truly want to cultivate your relationship and this kind of thing is usually rocky ground. Just saying, is all. I do wish you the best of luck and hope that you and PF have a long and loving togetherness. He who has a why to live can bear almost any how. ~Friedrich Nietzsche
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3/26/2011 3:09 am |
Either you trust someone or you don't. I think you've got the right attitude. Not trusting someone will not prevent them from cheating, it will only drive you nuts wondering and worrying. Putting limits on who someone can or cant talk to only creates resentment and shows you don't trust them. Either you trust someone or you don't. Of course that doesn't mean you put on blinders either. If you see things that don't add up, you may need to ask WTF? It's just like they say in boxing, you have to remember to protect yourself at all times. The sad truth is if he were going to cheat on you, there is nothing, nodda, zip, zilch, you could do to prevent it. I think the best thing to do is to focus on what you do have, and strengthening the bond you have. When you have a good relationship you're not as likely to risk it on a quick piece of tail or a maybe. Not that it doesn't happen, people are still stupid after all. When the trust is gone the relationship is done, cheating or no cheating. It becomes like a cancer, it eats away at everything you do have, and often becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. From what it sounds like is you two have a pretty good thing going on, better to enjoy it than let doubt potentially destroy it. He didn't try to hide the fact, and that shows he trusts you to trust him. I think you're spot on again. Of course an easy way to figure it out is to run through it from the other perspective. Now you are mad about it. So what you gonna do? Tell him he's not allowed to talk to her anymore? Will that really make you feel better? How's that gonna make him feel? you don't trust him. Are you gonna think about if he's doing it behind your back? Now you really don't trust him. But what if he does? you didn't trust him anyhow, so why not? And if he'd talk to her behind you back, then who's to say he wouldn't fuck her? Not trusting and worrying only leads to more not trusting and worrying. Things will be how they will be, but that it an easy way to cut the life out of a relationship. People say trust is earned, but that's BS. It's given, at what point you decide to give it is your perogative, but it's distrust that is earned. Why we trust is usually vague and general, more of a gut feeling. Distrust can usually be traced back to a specific incident. Earned. Or maybe I'm just full of shit , after all, it is thoughts on trust from a man who doesn't trust anybody.
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Yay, new undies!! Got pics??  I really don't think you should be sweating the court-stuff like you have been. A good judge looks at the actions presented in the court, sounds to me like the sperm donor is hanging himself with his own bullshit, and the requests for changes of venue or changes in court appointments usually work out in the favor of the one who followed the court's directives. I been through that shit with the last ex and his ex fighting over their son. I am pretty certain the courts will see you as the parent who is doing the job and that you are the parent with the better situation for raising these girls. Just breathe and try to let it go for a minute if you can. "Shall I tell you the secret of the true scholar? It is this: every man I meet is my master in some point, and in that I learn of him." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson  
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Oh, and one more thing....jealousy and envy have ruined a lot of good things in my life. Trust me on this, you are doing the right thing with the fb friend too. "Shall I tell you the secret of the true scholar? It is this: every man I meet is my master in some point, and in that I learn of him." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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I changed my undies today
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I agree! Having it be one sided for far too long I'd never settle for it again.
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love to chat with you sometime "It's the same old story, same old song and dance, my friends"  Gawd I love Aerosmith.
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First off, thanks for a post on your world in motion. It's always good to read. I don't always feel it's appropriate to comment because I've not been privy to most of your personal information and feel it [comments] would be ungrounded. But I love the read never the less and appreciate your openess. I'm sure you did fantastic with your delivery to the court. From what I can tell, you're intelligent, articulate and thorough. That can be a pretty lethal combination on either side. As far as the PF communication with old flames and telling you about it as if there 'might' exist a problem (like he was reluctant you'd be worried). That in itself sends bells and whistles a chiming and blowing. I've known / counseled so many who start off this way on a road to a broken relationship. "He told me and/but I thought... or She let me know but I thought..." I'm not saying there is a problem. Only stating that in my experience, one partner will tell the other there has been a harmless interaction outside the relationship. After that has been disclosed there sometimes is a false sense of security because the one being 'told' the information now feels warm and fuzzy about the obvious 'honesty' when in fact sometimes there is a facade brewing for just that purpose, not always intented initially, but generally ending up this way. My advice would be to be careful and talk about details. Not in the sense you have a lack of trust, but in the sense that you are loving and truly want to cultivate your relationship and this kind of thing is usually rocky ground. Just saying, is all. I do wish you the best of luck and hope that you and PF have a long and loving togetherness. I think he was just unsure about if I would feel insecure or jealous knowing my ex had cheated on me and not wanting me to feel badly. I have a friend that I call and he calls me, we've gone places, done things like bowling etc with, has come to my house and has hung out with me and PF with that I slept with before PF and I were monogamous. PF knows, was and is totally fine with it, because I've always been honest about it. I don't ditch my friends. I don't expect him to either. In this case he was just catching up as it'd been a year since they'd last talked. Impromptu chat while he checked his email. He's told me about her before, I'm not worried at all. If there were unresolved feelings between me and my friend, or him and his friend things might be a bit different, but they're not. I totally hear what you're saying though. With my ex, bells would be singing, here, nada. I trust him, and that makes all the difference.
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I hear you. With other's I might have an issue, here I don't. It's all that trust and communication.
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*snicker Yepper, I knew.
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Either you trust someone or you don't. I think you've got the right attitude. Not trusting someone will not prevent them from cheating, it will only drive you nuts wondering and worrying. Putting limits on who someone can or cant talk to only creates resentment and shows you don't trust them. Either you trust someone or you don't. Of course that doesn't mean you put on blinders either. If you see things that don't add up, you may need to ask WTF? It's just like they say in boxing, you have to remember to protect yourself at all times. The sad truth is if he were going to cheat on you, there is nothing, nodda, zip, zilch, you could do to prevent it. I think the best thing to do is to focus on what you do have, and strengthening the bond you have. When you have a good relationship you're not as likely to risk it on a quick piece of tail or a maybe. Not that it doesn't happen, people are still stupid after all. When the trust is gone the relationship is done, cheating or no cheating. It becomes like a cancer, it eats away at everything you do have, and often becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. From what it sounds like is you two have a pretty good thing going on, better to enjoy it than let doubt potentially destroy it. He didn't try to hide the fact, and that shows he trusts you to trust him. I think you're spot on again. Of course an easy way to figure it out is to run through it from the other perspective. Now you are mad about it. So what you gonna do? Tell him he's not allowed to talk to her anymore? Will that really make you feel better? How's that gonna make him feel? you don't trust him. Are you gonna think about if he's doing it behind your back? Now you really don't trust him. But what if he does? you didn't trust him anyhow, so why not? And if he'd talk to her behind you back, then who's to say he wouldn't fuck her? Not trusting and worrying only leads to more not trusting and worrying. Things will be how they will be, but that it an easy way to cut the life out of a relationship. People say trust is earned, but that's BS. It's given, at what point you decide to give it is your perogative, but it's distrust that is earned. Why we trust is usually vague and general, more of a gut feeling. Distrust can usually be traced back to a specific incident. Earned. Or maybe I'm just full of shit , after all, it is thoughts on trust from a man who doesn't trust anybody.And for what it's worth, you know you're up there near the top of those I trust. You have an insight that I cherish.
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Yay, new undies!! Got pics?? I really don't think you should be sweating the court-stuff like you have been. A good judge looks at the actions presented in the court, sounds to me like the sperm donor is hanging himself with his own bullshit, and the requests for changes of venue or changes in court appointments usually work out in the favor of the one who followed the court's directives. I been through that shit with the last ex and his ex fighting over their son. I am pretty certain the courts will see you as the parent who is doing the job and that you are the parent with the better situation for raising these girls. Just breathe and try to let it go for a minute if you can. I'm trying to chill while waiting for the mail. I think I have the right attitude about the fwb thing too. Trust is hard, but it's been earned. I would never try to sabotage what I have with baseless fears.
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Well thanks! I likes you too. I hope so, I think so, I've crossed everything I can, (except my legs...) and I'm trying to be positive. Sheesh! What is it with you all and pics of my undies? 
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