Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
| Blogs > peekabooicu2ucme > Musings and mayhem of my mind |
Oh ick, I got some feelings on me
|
Oh ick, I got some feelings on me Between the abandoment issues and trust issues I developed early on, its always been easier to be distant and aloof, to pretend that my feelings don't exist. They haven't meant that much to anyone else anyways. Feelings can and will be exploited. Words are so easy to say, but then the actions come along to prove the words were just beautiful lies. I love you, forever, id never hurt you, I'm here for you, you will never have to do it all on your own again, I'm not like those other guys, I want to marry you, you're the best thing that ever happened to me, I'll never leave you, I'll never do that again, I'm yours, ect, ect, ect. I don't understand saying what someone else wants to hear in order to get what you want. I don't understand the dishonesty and manipulation. You want to fuck me until one of us gets bored? Thanks for being honest. You want to just have fun, no commitment or expectations? Thanks for being honest. You're deeply flawed and incapable of loving another human being? Thanks for being honest. You're not looking for the same things I am? Thanks for being honest. Really that's all I've ever asked for. Honesty and reciprocation. If he doesn't love me, I'm not going to beat my heart against a wall trying to get him to change his mind. But if he tries with all of his might to convince me that he does love me, he damned well better. Trying to open a battle scarred heart with no intention of actually loving that person is just cruel. I don't say words I don't mean. I don't play with anyone elses hearts or feelings like they're a disposable toy. And I don't understand why or how anyone else can do that to another human being and feel good about themselves. Moving forwards, the feelings I've developed are scaring the hell out of me. I want to push them away but I'm forcing myself not to. Fear is a bitch. The worst part is, its all in my head. He hasn't done anything wrong. I believe him to be the sweet and wonderful person I see him to be. I believe he's sincere. He actually sees me even when I'm trying to be the coolest version of me. I am just so terrified of being hurt again that I want to hide that insecurity that I thought id abandoned quite awhile ago. Self therapy written down and walked away from for the moment. Any words of wisdom or cheer for me?  |
||||
|
good post
| |||
|
Relationships are a hell of a lot like cliff or high tower diving.... no matter how many times you do it, no matter how good at it you get... you always know in the back of your mind... that if anything screws up just a little bit, it's going to hurt like hell. Even on perfect dives....something hurts after a dive. So, there's really only two things you can do - give into the fear of the unknown or the doubt about it all and just stop diving - or - you can keep on diving and accept the pain when it happens - because there will be pain. But, what you don't do is blame (or look for blame) anything for a shitty dive on anyone other than yourself. Sure - the platform or the cliff may be shitty that day... your choice to dive or walk away. No doubt - the wind (or rumor mill) may be blowing too hard or the wrong direction.... your choice, fight the wind or walk away or wait for a break in the wind. The water is always going to be hard... there ain't no doubt there... it's your choice to dive, or, to just stand there...admiring the view...longing for that feeling of flight... wanting that rush.... desiring the feeling of being totally alive. If you dive, expect pain - but also expect all of the rush and fun too - always your choice, but don't look to the outside (or others) for something to screw up the dive, just, keep a check on yourself and your emotions... and choose which dives you'll make.
| |||
|
He will hurt you and he will disappoint you whether he means to or not. He is human and humans make mistakes. That does not mean he is less than what you see him to be and it does not have to be the end of the relationship. If you are so afraid of being hurt that you cannot be open to accepting the love offered,perhaps you are not ready to be in a relationship yet. There is nothing wrong with spending time with yourself learning to accept the hurtful things from your past and weaving the lose ends into the fabric of who you are now and learning to love all of you. Be patient with yourself and with anyone you are entering into a relationship with. When the right person for you comes along, all past hurts will no longer matter. The right person will make you forget all your abandonment and trust issues. I was 46 before I found that one,he taught me what it is to be loved completely and how to love completely. Do not settle for less, you are worth it.
| |||
|
I've not much to add but just go with the flow.  
| |||
|
I have no pithy words of wisdom, I'll just simply say I can relate and leave it at that. "Shall I tell you the secret of the true scholar? It is this: every man I meet is my master in some point, and in that I learn of him." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson  
|
Become a member to create a blog
