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WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE ME?
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WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE ME?  Since my parents died, I’m estranged from my small family. I’ve fallen out with my brother and haven’t spoken to him for years. And my brother and his family are my basically my family. A while back, I felt I had to make a choice between maintaining a relationship with my brother to see his three adorable and not maintaining a relationship with him for my own wellbeing. I chose the latter because my wellbeing matters to me. I do keep in touch with my niece and two nephews by birthday and Christmas cards (plus money), but I haven’t seen them for years. It breaks my heart. I’ve never visited my parents’ graves because they were buried just hundreds of yards away from my brother’s home, which was my home when I was little. He took over my Dad’s farm, while I flew the nest. What was home is now enemy territory! Despite the choice I made, I always realised that there would be a time - like a wedding, Christening or funeral - where I would have to confront my demons and go back to enemy territory. That moment may have arrived. I’ve just received an invitation to attend a party to celebrate my cousin’s ’s 21st birthday. I’m not particularly close to the whose birthday it is and it won’t be my sort of thing, but I don’t think that’s relevant. I can see the case of not going and of not going to the birthday celebration. Is this the moment to confront my demons? Under whatever-normal-is-circumstances, I’d go. But I’m assuming my brother will be there and I don’t want to go because they’re not so-called normal circumstances. I just don’t know what to do. What would you do if you were me? Please don’t say commit suicide! Not that I would, but it won’t help me in this dilemma. And please don’t say I wouldn’t start where you are. As the BBC Mastermind presenter always says, “I’ve started so I’ll finish.” I have started but I don’t know when I’ve finished.  |
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I guess I would have to ask myself why I am going, do you really want to celebrate the birthday or is it that you don't want your brother to have the power of you not going because of him. I have a family that is similar and I always showed up and killed them with kindness. They look like the fools if they are rude at someone elses gathering, I can be cordial to anyone for a short period of time.
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Well first off for this life you will finish when you die, I have no insight into if there exists an afterlife so can't comment on that. Regards your brother and this celebration, take a shillelagh with you and upon encountering your brother kindly offer your remorse for having avoided him for so long. Invite him outside where you may speak about the matter at length explaining you are hopeful for his benevolent forgiveness. O nce out side proceed to bash his brains out upon the ground, revel in your joy dance a jig or two then rejoin the celebration inside and rejoice again!  It must be this joyous holiday season causing me to feel all this brotherly love! WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE ME
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....I have learned that "time heals". If it was me, and I knew the demons had to come out at some point, I would go. Things just might be different because of the passage of time and we are all getting older. If things don't go favorably, I could always bow out and proceed with what has been going on for years. "Nothing lost-nothing gained"! (please note--this is what "I" would do!)
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I did not attend my Grandfather's funeral this past January because my evil sister was there and I did not want to make the funeral about our issues. But I have a tendency to just bow out and let other's have their way if I feel there would be any kind of adversity or scene. I can't tell you which you should do. But I get where you are at. Hugs.
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Some people can deal with a family rift better than others. I can. I learned to say "Fuck you!" early in life. Just because someone offers me a handful of shit doesn't mean I'm taking it. My wife can't. It upsets her too much and goes back too far and too deep. Whatever might be gained by an attempt at reconciliation isn't worth what it costs. Whatever you decide, take care of yourself, and maintain balance. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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Having been through a few things such as what you're talking about, I can relate to what you are going through (no pun intended) and the dilemma you face. Personally, I think you should go, if for no other reason than to reestablish contact with your niece and nephews as well as your other relatives. As Funlvr suggested, kill them with kindness, even your brother. It's possible he could respond positively to that and you might even be able to calmly discuss the issues between you. If things get too crazy, you can always leave, but you will know that you have faced your demons and that you tried. As the old saying goes, Nothing Ventured. Nothing Gained. Good Luck!
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This seems like a good opportunity to break som ice? A relatively safe environment in which you might be able to face your brother from a distance without having to speak to him? And you may also get to see your niece & nephews? Och, I'm really sorry mate. It's a horrible situation for you. Good luck with whatever you choose. 
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ii have ben right where you are right now I haven't seen mu nieces and nephews since my brothers funeral the ex wife of my brother is whom I had a beef with I tried to confronts this problem and it failed miserably she gets off on having the power to keep us away from her kids.. so I deal with it and put them kids first because they really need their whole family.. its hard but I do it.. and trust me m you need to cherish your family before its to late this was one of the things I have regrets about .and when they ate gone they're gone and it hurts like hell to not have made things right between us..so I say try if it fails at least you'll know you tried which will bring you some peace. you should do it for those kids,,, my aunt and uncles were very important to me growing up.........they were my mentors and would of beam lost without them 4  if love isn't the answer, than I misunderstood the question
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ms leo gave some great advise 4 if love isn't the answer, than I misunderstood the question
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hmm, what dilemma for you. I don't what the exact situation is and why you have such fear/animosity toward your brother? I say go to the party and celebrate your nieces accomplishments-if your brother confronts you just walk away. You are there for your niece and not for your brother. It takes two to wan to heal and forgive...and if one or both parties are not willing then it will not happen- no one force someone to forgive. good luck! “Life is available only in the present moment.” Thich Nhat Hanh Come and read my blog! Become a watcher! veryfunnycple64 
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My advice is to decide first on your motive for going.....if it is simply just to celebrate her birthday and have a good time....then go and do not allow your differences with your brother spill over into any scene which would ruin HER day. If you do not think this is possible....then politely decline the invitation....giving some plausible excuse and send her a gift.  ~~Anais Nin~~
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Thanks for your very wise advice. I will post what I do and any consequences. But I can assure you there'll be no brawl if I go. 
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I guess I would have to ask myself why I am going, do you really want to celebrate the birthday or is it that you don't want your brother to have the power of you not going because of him. I have a family that is similar and I always showed up and killed them with kindness. They look like the fools if they are rude at someone elses gathering, I can be cordial to anyone for a short period of time. If I got on with my brother, I probably wouldn't go. But because I don't get on with my brother I'm now entertaining the possibility of going. I can't decide whether that's a good enough reason to go! Many thanks for your comment.
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One of the problems is that I've wrapped my heart up in so many logical wraps that I don't know what my heart is saying. I really appreciate your input.
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Sibling rivalry and jealousy are the reasons he turned against me. As soon as my Mum was dying, he turned against me.
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That's very poignant. I will try! Thanks for stopping by.
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I am sorry to hear that. I have a very close family, too close sometimes. I understand your situation, but as far as advice, I have none. My husband only talks to his brother when he has to. His idiot brother doesn't even really seem to catch on. We have begun to avoid them since Dad died a year ago. There is now an offer on Dad's house and I think that will wrap things up and that will be it for us. Our issues involve a family business. A job was made for my husband's brother, even though he had no interest (other than financial) or aptitude for it and he did everything to minimalize my husband including lying to Dad about us. We started our marriage out running the business and sacrificed a lot and didn't get much more than the dirty end of the stick. We even sold our house in Nazareth, Pa to live above the business and then got shut out of the housing market for awhile, so lots of bad blood and pretty near financial, I won't say devastation, but a lot of discomfort. My mother always said if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. I suspect you won't be the problem, but if you go, try to stay out of the fray. Love, Kathleen
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Well first off for this life you will finish when you die, I have no insight into if there exists an afterlife so can't comment on that. Regards your brother and this celebration, take a shillelagh with you and upon encountering your brother kindly offer your remorse for having avoided him for so long. Invite him outside where you may speak about the matter at length explaining you are hopeful for his benevolent forgiveness. O nce out side proceed to bash his brains out upon the ground, revel in your joy dance a jig or two then rejoin the celebration inside and rejoice again! It must be this joyous holiday season causing me to feel all this brotherly love!WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE ME
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....I have learned that "time heals". If it was me, and I knew the demons had to come out at some point, I would go. Things just might be different because of the passage of time and we are all getting older. If things don't go favorably, I could always bow out and proceed with what has been going on for years. "Nothing lost-nothing gained"! (please note--this is what "I" would do!) 
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Very true, but they're hard to face! Thanks for stopping by.
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That's the best advice I've heard. Blamilies, bluck blem!
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If you are not particularly close to your cousin or his/her daughter, you might have only been invited to make up the numbers and I would even be suspicious of such an unlikely invite. You have said that your wellbeing matters to you but also that you think it is likely that your dreaded brother will be there. This is only my opinion, since I care about your wellbeing too but I would suggest that you do an Oscar Wilde and send your sincerest apologies that you have a subsequent engagement that you cannot cancel. Send a present only if you have met the birthday girl more than a handful of times. 
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As you've often said on your blog, blogland is great for the support and advice it gives. And I really appreciate your support and advice in this situation.
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I did not attend my Grandfather's funeral this past January because my evil sister was there and I did not want to make the funeral about our issues. But I have a tendency to just bow out and let other's have their way if I feel there would be any kind of adversity or scene. I can't tell you which you should do. But I get where you are at. Hugs.
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