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Poly Agony vs. Poly Community
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Poly Agony vs. Poly Community One of the more interesting --interesting to me, anyway-- things I've done recently was attend a workshop last weekend on learning how to be a facilitator for Zegg Forum. (Now you might think it's more interesting to hear about who fucked whom the weekend before at Sea Mountain Inn, but that stuff --having sex in the sunshine in the full view of all and sundry-- is old hat for me so it's not as interesting to write about.) So, Zegg Forum needs to be distinguished from the Landmark Forum, which I've also done. Landmark's Forum is focused on individual emotional release from our oft-painful past, rather than building community, and I hate the heavy-handed sales pitch from Landmark Education. Landmark also expects everyone to proselytize for them. I have a friend who told Landmark she doesn't attend workshops any more if one is required to wear clothes. The sales rep was struck dumb, hung up the phone and they never called her again. However, Zegg Forum, which I'm going to refer to as the Forum from now on, came out of two experiments in intentional communities that live together in Germany. Most communal living situations break down because human beings are really fucking annoying (pretty much the same way marriages break down). Everybody's got a damn opinion and they don't do things the way one expects. So these groups of individuals that live in some communal way started experimenting with a process of sharing their dreams, fears and frustrations in a safe circle with facilitation. When I described this Forum to my 20-year-old , she couldn't quite figure out how it could work for her friends and colleagues who are trying to work together to create a healthier planet. So I took her with me to learn how to facilitate it, because I know from having been an activist in the past that do-gooders all have their individual agendas and then there are the interpersonal things about how people will rub you the wrong way. Once she experienced the Forum, she's become energized about offering an experience of it to 25-30 people she works with on her permaculture projects. In Forum, everyone in the community sits on the floor in a circle with 2-3 facilitators guiding the process. One person at a time presents his issues and, basically, enacts psychodrama for the witnesses. I love the Forum because I'm a huge fan of what one friend calls "psych porn," the ins and outs of romantic relationships. I can also be something of a Drama Queen so the Forum is the right forum for me! The role of the facilitators is to help the presenter/performer gain insight into his/her issues. If the presenter is stuck in her story, the facilitator will try to get the performer to feel the emotion. If the performer is overwhelmed by emotion, the facilitators will try to push toward using the cerebral cortex, the higher thinking part of the brain. They have developed some amazing techniques over time including the use of "statues" as members of the audience can help to embody the emotions so that the presenter can stand outside and observe, for example, being caught between fear of and desire for having a baby. If, like my , you can't really imagine the Forum, you'll just have to take my word for it for now that it's an incredibly powerful process for building trust among people. With this kind of process where people choose to be transparent with one another, decisions can be made and conflicts resolved much more efficiently outside the Forum. The purpose of the Forum is purely sharing "what's alive in me right now" and getting insight if one is stuck. So, now I want to try to link the Forum back to my personal interest in how can one have a pleasurable romantic relationship with another human being. I believe in the possibility of polyamory, the idea that we can love more than one person and be honest about our needs, desires and choices, but I've really only ever experienced Poly Agony, the jealousy, insecurity and pain of fearing loss. My Former Partner in Crime (FPIC), aka in this blog as the guy who was "just not into me," did not ever want to be my boyfriend but said I could call him my PIC (which leads one to believe that he considered me acceptable only for illicit activities). He and I experimented with radical honesty in having an open relationship in which we continued to date others. We told one another what we were doing and with whom. I assumed it was so painful because he just didn't love me back and it felt like there was always a sword hanging over me that he'd opt out for monogamy with whomever he fancied more, but, maybe, it was excruciating for me because we didn't have a community with whom to share the challenges of that level of honesty. Nor did we have a community to help me hold my fear and jealousy. I had to do it all by myself, and I didn't do it very well. Not well at all. (Now I know how my ex-boyfriend felt. When he and I tried an open relationship some years ago, I was the one who had lots of other lovers while he had one so I didn't feel much jealousy at all and couldn't really understand why did.) I did learn in the experiment with the FPIC that I'm not a fan of radical honesty, which is speaking the absolute truth without concern for others' feelings, but I do still believe in honesty tempered with kindness. If he had been honest with kindness, he might not have said to me the last time I saw him: "I'm not emotionally connected to anyone. I've got a clean slate to go forth and find the next (insert the name of his ex-wife)." He said the thing about "not emotionally connected to anyone" THREE TIMES. But, since I'm pretty persistent, maybe it took that many times of him hitting me in the head with that verbal hammer to get the message: This man does not care about my feelings, needs or desires. I could not believe that I couldn't make him love me. The truth is, I think I'm irresistible when I put my mind to it. On the upside, if he had fallen victim to my charms, I would not have seen that I'm attracted to unavailable men. That's a small silver lining in the cloud that darkens over my dream of happily ever after with the FPIC, whom in moments of indulgence in anger and frustration I've referred to as THE TOTAL DICKHOLE (though not to his face). Is he such a bad man? Not really. Just your run-of-the-mill, self-centered asshole --with a big dick-- hence the dickhole reference. When he was especially high-handed with me, I'd call him "Your Assholiness." So, I've been trying to imagine how being part of a community where I could share the pain and fear I experienced might have helped me. I described the Forum process once to FPIC and he thought it sounded awful, that it would be about public shaming and humiliating others if one spoke in a public setting about hurts and wounds experienced. But, here's the thing: We humans talk about that stuff anyway but it's usually whispered in gossip sessions that can potentially be more destructive to relationships than dealing with it directly. FPIC could not imagine himself EVER doing that kind of thing. He hates workshops. I love them. I finally woke up while one woman in her Forum piece last weekend looked at her desire to be among the people of her tribe, those of us who are free-thinking, unconventional and on a path to change the fucking world and how she kept getting pulled back into the cage of love with a man who does not share her interests. I want to thank her so, so, so much for the gift that she gave me. Watching her, I realized that I would not be happy with FPIC (even if he got smarter and loved me back) because I want to be part of that community where we're experimenting with a different way of being and an important part of that way of being is transparency (which suits me because FPIC's biggest complaint about me was that I'm a total blabbermouth, and it's true. I don't shut up even when it would be a good idea. Some times my honesty lacks boundaries, like telling my about how he and I watched some very outre porn including a woman and man's best friend. That's the only kind of porn that's ever pushed a hot, juicy button for me, by the way.) and being connected to others. So, my big "ah-hah" was that I needed to look for a partner from among that community, someone who shares my belief in the power of Zegg Forum and community. What I didn't know, before going to the Zegg Forum Facilitator Training, is that the driving force behind those first German communities has always been free love and healing the schism between man and woman and doing it in the context of community. That really intrigues me, so I'm going to do more reading to try to understand how they came to believe that's the most important focus. I'm going to stop this piece now, because it's already longer than most people will read. I understand that about 500 words is the max but, dammit, I'm wordy and I don't really care if no one reads it. I'm writing it to stop these ideas floating around in my head. Plus, since this site has some glitch currently in the blog function, I can't read the interesting comments y'all are writing in response to my writing. But, I will say that I'm next going to write about my tour of an intentional community near Santa Cruz that is focused around daily Orgasm Meditation (OM), a practice taught by San Francisco-based One Taste. You can search for One Taste for info. And, maybe, I'll write some time about my OM experiences. Til then, hope you do something naughty and tell me about it! {=}{=}{=} BiPolyBabe69 aka Angie P.S.--I just remembered that the other silver lining in the cloud of missing FPIC is that, since I'm not sharing all my witticisms and odd thoughts with him with constant daily texting, I have a lot more words flowing out of me here. |
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Good for you BiPolyBabe! I hope you find someone that fits you a lot better than PIC. Kk The observant make the best lovers, I may not do right, but I do write, I have bliss, joy, and happiness in my life, Kitkat Come check out my blog KItkat1415 check out this post by me Adventures In Body Grooming #39 April Topic Link: What Lies Beneath If April Showers Oh Bloody Hell What Kind Of Weather Turns Me On Bloggers Symposium 40
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So-called "radical honesty" has always struck me as a psychobabble-infused form of abuse. "That's the ugliest fucking hat I've ever seen" and "I like the way you look in the green hat" can both be completely honest statements, but one allows the listener to sleep better at night. Move out of the realm of hats, and into the realm of opinions, friends, and personal preferences, and you can see where abuse begins. Radical honesty... I'm biting my own radically honest thoughts about the concept back! Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
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