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In dating, how much do you reveal? And when?
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In dating, how much do you reveal? And when? I went to yet another workshop this past weekend (Please shoot me before I sign on the dotted line again. Total workshop addict here!) In truth, this recent workshop on "Keeping the Love You Find," which is Imago Therapy (the idea that we choose partners to help us work out the issues with Mommy & Daddy) applied to singles was a healthy remedy. In short: Become the lover you wish to attract. Which means letting go of the dream we had of past partners magically changing and meeting our needs. Sigh. I appreciated the sweetly loving ritual to send The Unavailable Guy packing. I also met an amazing group of seven other women, plus the workshop leader. They were all blown away by the idea that I'm a bisexual, polyamorous Sex Coach They were also fascinated and asked lots of questions about sex. In trying to figure out how I'll attract the right partners, several of the women (including the workshop leader) said I should NOT reveal that I'm bisexual, polyamorous and teach about sex. They assume I walk up to cute guys/gals in the grocery store, shake hands and introduce myself as such. But they also thought that after someone gets to know me and realizes that I'm fairly normal might help a newbie warm up to the idea of an honest, open relationship. My profile on this site, Tinder and okcupid make it very clear what I'm up to. My theory: Sort Faster! There are many people out there who could adore me. Let them sort themselves OUT if I'm too much. What's your theory on when to reveal how much? {=}{=}{=} BiPolyBabe69 |
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It depends. If you have a profile on a dating site I think it's important to put all of the information up front. No sense in meeting someone, feel a mutual attraction and find out that that being poly is a deal breaker (which it is for a lot of people). If you meet someone at the local Starbucks, I agree, that isn't something you want to share within the first 10 minutes before you even know if you want to go on a date. I describe first dates as "job interviews". It's an opportunity to get a sense of who that person is including how open minded they might or might not be. I probably wouldn't bring it up on a first date, maybe not even on a second one. I think by the third date, you have a sense of who this person is and if you want to keep seeing them. However, if they aren't into who you are and bolt, its just a bummer and not a tragedy.
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I believe your instincts are spot on--be up front about who you are. Obviously, that saves everyone time. It seems that the women you encountered were more interested in getting dates than making honest, adult connections. Did you happen to ask "So how did things progress once you shared your true selves?"
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On a meetup/date site, there's sorting fast and then there's allowing someone's preconcieved notions of a "polybisexprof" to overshadow all the other things that I am. It's noble to think that there's men out there who will think "oh that's her job but look at all her other qualities too" but (in my opinion only, ymmv) it seems like most men are going to go straight to "I've got a shot at threesomes with her and her girlfriends AND she probably knows how to give an awesome blowjob." before they even begin to consider your needs/wants/etc.
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I totally agree with you on this. You're not carrying a sign around that declares your sexual preference. But, there are so many people who have like tastes and enjoy being with open minded, sexually liberated people like yourself. So, don't change one bit of your description. I think you sound wonderfully attractive and sexually charged. That's a plus in my mind any day. Bud. Always Ready for Fun.
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