Procrastination at its finest
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Posted:Mar 21, 2015 8:50 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 2:52 pm
6302 Views
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I should be studying for a test I have on Monday however I have found everything else to do but study. I had every intention of focusing on study today and tomorrow then M stopped over, then E showed up then shopping happened, then a margarita happened. You probably get the picture. Why do I do stuff like this. I know very well tomorrow I will be stressing about the test and will study and get grumpy at myself.
It was 47 degrees in Anchorage today. 47 degrees, in March, in Alaska. WTF? I know I can complain about this place but seriously it should have snow this time of year. We should have a lot of snow.
I need to update my profile. I did update the intro. Lately I get a lot of emails from men wanting to meet and fuck. I get it; it's an adult site mainly used for sex. I am not an idiot. Being as I am an adult and I like sex I find this a good place to be. It may take me longer to find someone I am compatible with but it has happened before. I need more than someone that will do for the moment. I almost feel like I need to hand out an application upon interest and "interview". I think if some things were handle more like business situations I would probably get further. I am great at business transactions. I suck when it comes to dating.
How's your weekend?
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Odd conversations and wanting what you don't want
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Posted:Mar 18, 2015 9:43 pm
Last Updated:Mar 22, 2015 8:32 pm
6352 Views
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I am starting to question my judgement and wish I would listen to myself when I say no. Since K's passing I have been sad and dare I say; needy. I don't want sex, I want to be held. Sadly in most cases men want sex before they will hold you.
I even called my ex. Who does that?? He turned me down. Of course that made me decide I needed him back. I don't do well being told I am not wanted. So before I said or did something I would regret I ended the call. At least I still have half a brain.
It's times like this I should be locked in a room with no way to communicate with the outside world. Needy does not look well on me.
I am going to Seattle next month to participate in a charity walk with proceeds going to the research for the cancer that killed K. I should not be surprised at the outpouring of support from my friends in Seattle. Many of them are participating as well.
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I've been thinking
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Posted:Mar 14, 2015 3:06 pm
Last Updated:Mar 17, 2015 12:03 am
6455 Views
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So I’ve been thinking. I looked at a condo earlier this week in thoughts of buying. It sold before I got to the address. I think it was a sign. It’s time to go.
Alaska may be where I am from but it is not my home. I am not sure where that may be right now but it is not here. I have a trail of very bad memories and nothing can get those out of my mind.
Would it be running? Yes, I am okay with that. I am good at that and with my whole heart I believe in sticking with what you’re good at.
Let the planning begin.
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Maybe it is me
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Posted:Mar 9, 2015 9:27 pm
Last Updated:Mar 14, 2015 9:30 am
6416 Views
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A couple of years after my divorce I took the time to complete a profile on the harmony place. After a couple of hours I received a message that I could not be matched. I though it was because I lived in a small mountain town. I called to verify and was told, indeed they could not match me in my location but nationally as well.
NOT ONE PERSON.
I then joined LesbianPersonals.
I have had one very serious relationship from here and a couple that probably could have turned out to be but something got in the way.
Last month I signed up again for the harmony place. Every once in a while I receive an email from them saying they have found someone who is not a match but maybe we should check each other out. I thought these people were scientific and were able to match people up.
Then I start to wonder is it me? Have I been single so long that I am unapproachable or not sure how to be with someone? Maybe because I will be 40 this year, I am starting to question where I belong and what I should be doing. So much has happened in the last couple of years that I feel I DO want to find my emotional match. He doesn't have to be perfect, just perfect for me.
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I am not a therapist
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Posted:Mar 5, 2015 9:42 pm
Last Updated:Mar 14, 2015 9:31 am
6485 Views
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Emotional blackmail is one of the worst kinds out there. I have admitted before I am bipolar, I suffer from bouts of depression, I am not the nicest person when I don't take meds. The people close to me know this and know I am also proactive in my mental health. I will not put my bullshit issues on others. If I am cycling I will go to my doctor or my therapist. I will NOT burden my friends and loved ones with things they cannot fix.
If I need to vent then I vent and it is done.
Generally I can tolerate bad behavior and often times given a pass because I get it, people get pissy, people have bad days, weeks sometimes months. If you start saying shit like you don't want to wake up and I suggest you contact your employee assistance program or refer you to my therapist I am not doing because I like to hear myself talk. You need help. It is not going to come from me. I am not a therapist. I have my own bullshit to deal with and I am NOT going to save you. That is your responsibility. If I say to you as your friend, I NEED you to get help, do not and I repeat do NOT tell me when you NEEDED me I was nowhere to be found.
Fuck you. I am not your Savior, Lord and Christ.
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What could have been
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Posted:Mar 1, 2015 10:53 am
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 2:52 pm
6094 Views
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I received an email last week from the man who would have been my manager had I moved to Denver last January. He gave condolences for the death of my niece and then went on to tell me the company had closed the Denver office and moved production to Tucson in November. Next month they are closing the Tucson office.
I would have lost my job. It makes me wonder if my decision to stay happened for that reason. I know I would have found a job easily but it still made me stop to wonder. Although I would gladly take a layoff over K dying.
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One month
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Posted:Feb 28, 2015 1:02 pm
Last Updated:Mar 22, 2015 8:34 pm
6060 Views
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It's been a month since K died. I realize people understand when someone close dies that the friend, significant other, co-worker etc. is hurting but they move on. The people that have the void are stuck in some way. I can't say I have not gone about my daily life. I work, I see my friends, I do all the things I did before. Then I will see something funny and want to text her, I'll see something on p trest that I know she would love and want to send it to her, I'll hear a song and I feel like she is there. There is an underlying sadness I cannot shake.
I don't feel sorry for someone when they complain to me about being lonely or needing more time with me or whatever the complaint of the day is. I find them selfish and more annoying than anything.
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Adventures in dating
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Posted:Feb 22, 2015 10:20 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2015 1:57 pm
5536 Views
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I have said before and was reminded again Friday, age does not determine a boy or a man.
I had been introduced to a man while in Fairbanks this past November who was interesting. It was a brief introduction which had us exchange numbers in the event either of us were in our prospective cities for work. I was surprised when he called earlier last week saying he was in Anchorage working and would I be interested in dinner Friday evening. Yes, time was set, I would pick him up since it is my town and go from there.
Fast forward to Friday, he messaged me around noon saying he was done for the day and was really looking forward to dinner and spending time with me. Great sign! That is such a nice thing to hear. 6:15- I am on my way to his hotel to pick him up and he calls, he speech sounds slightly slurred and he informs me he has put his clothes in the wash and they are not dry.
Ummm. What? I asked if he was drunk and he says he had a few drinks to calm nerves. What?? I am immediately annoyed. I prefer confidence in men, not the liquid given kind. Nerves are sweet to admit later but seriously? I ask how long till his clothes are dry; about an hour. WTF.
I told him while I had been looking forward to dinner and getting to know him that was no longer the case. I passed on time with him and picked up a girlfriend of mine and had drinks and dinner at my favorite place.
I received a message from him the next morning apologizing and saying he is really shy and does not often ask girls out and was surprised I had said yes. I may sound harsh but I don't care. I am not a girl, I am a woman, if you had the balls to ask then you need to have the balls to follow through. Lack of confidence is unsexy.
People wonder why I am still single...
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My new normal
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Posted:Feb 16, 2015 7:13 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2015 1:57 pm
5198 Views
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K died on Jan 28th. I was in Washington at the gate boarding a plane when I got the call from my . I did get to say good-bye before I left, I had just hoped she would make it longer. I had prayed for a miracle, that cancer would go away and she would be healthy, breathing and running and 18, then 19 and live forever.
The last time I spoke to her I asked her to let me know if she made it okay. I feel at peace about her and where she is so maybe that is her letting me know. I don't feel at peace with the after shocks. I thought I had prepared however there is really no preparation for the death of someone you love.
I have her last text message string to me, I visit her FB page, I look at pictures of her. Although I can't watch videos, it's almost like a cruel joke to see her moving, talking and laughing.
Moving on because everyone else is. It's our new normal.
No more boyfriend, new job, maybe it's time to go.
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Hockey and fighting
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Posted:Jan 4, 2015 1:45 pm
Last Updated:Jan 4, 2015 7:54 pm
6987 Views
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My vacation time is coming to an end. I go back to work tomorrow after a week and a half off. I really didn't do much with my time but spend it with my family and go to doctor appointments. Some what of a medical mystery going on. I have odd blood results but just when my doctor thinks they have the correct diagnosis...nope.
The six month bf is coming to an end. The fight should happen between hockey players but instead it happened at my house after the game. I have been dating the nicest, emotional immature 46 year old out there. He does not communicate his feelings when he is unhappy. He thinks getting drunk and taking Valium is an appropriate way to attend a one year old's birthday party (he was given a pass to not attend).
I say nicest because honestly he does very sweet things when it is just the two of us. He remembers the little things. He cooks, he cleans, he does laundry. But he stresses me out. I cannot be someone's source of happiness and he gets very grumpy if I do not want to do anything. If I say I have pl;ans with a friend he gets very grumpy. When my is around he acts like she does not exist. So not okay.
I've never been good at ending things, this is the longest I have been with someone since my marriage. He has a lot of things at my house and has a key. How do you have a conversation with someone whom you don't trust their temper? Do you do it in public and already have their stuff packed and in the car? Change the locks? Advice please.
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Shaking things up
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Posted:Dec 15, 2014 12:00 pm
Last Updated:Dec 17, 2014 1:57 pm
7534 Views
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December is proving to be a month of change. A year or so ago I mentioned the possibility of accepting an offer with a local firm. I had turned it down at the time thinking it was not the right choice for me.
The week of Thanksgiving they reached out to me again and after very careful consideration I accepted the position. I gave notice on Friday and will start my new position January 19. I am excited about the change and while I am feeling some sadness about leaving the account I have had for six years I am ready.
My niece is doing really well and has not gotten worse so I know we will have her around through Christmas. There is something to be really excited about!
The boyfriend thing is an ongoing struggle. I am learning there are anger issues and while I am one to help someone difficult times I am not one to allow that someone to be hurtful and rude to me. We are taking a breather and not seeing each other as much. I have always been one to dump at the first sign of a problem but I don't want to do that this time.
The sex is still an issue. So much so that I cried a few days ago. It is very difficult to not believe it has something to do with me when someone loses an erection WHILE inside of me having taken a pill to help with such issues. My confidence is lost; I am afraid to initiate sex and while he tries to give me an orgasm, I cannot because my mind thinks it a pity thing. I have never been in a situation like this and am at a total loss.
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Facing reality
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Posted:Nov 30, 2014 11:11 am
Last Updated:Nov 30, 2014 12:53 pm
7683 Views
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I am struggling to act everyday as if everything in life is normal. I went shopping with my yesterday and had been having a relatively good day until she turned and said; "This was our last Thanksgiving with K." The sadness in her face was more than I could take. Cold heat rushed over me and I started to sweat. M was matter of fact as she is not one to show outward emotion but I saw it.
There is nothing I can do. Nothing I can change.
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Who did he think he was talking to?
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Posted:Nov 29, 2014 10:40 am
Last Updated:Nov 29, 2014 2:28 pm
7783 Views
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The man I have been seeing had a bad week. Really too bad because I tried to understand and be supportive. I gave space and asked what I could do for him. The first couple of times he was snippy I had to push down the the urge to ask who he thought he was talking to in that tone. After the 2nd day of the rude behavior I had enough.
Apparently not being near family and having taken the week off to not go anywhere had left him bored and grumpy. I told him many times to not take the week off since I was not planning on leaving state with my niece now on hospice. I am not going to be away from family.
It is not my responsibility to make him happy. I refuse to be someones sole source. I tried for hours to engage him and get him to smile, talk, laugh anything. In the end I was yelled at and told it was not all about me. He threw his iPad at the closet. Why? Because I did not get us home by 8 so that he could watch a show he wanted to watch. It was 8:15; sorry mom was taking pictures. All he asked was to be home by 8.
Sooooo I have said we need to take a step back with some breathing room. We have been together five months and while I wondered if I could deal with the sexual issues I know I will not put up with anger issues.
We all have bad days. We all say and do things we regret however at this point in our adult lives we should be past temper tantrums and able to communicate clearly to those we say we care about. I have been respectful to him in all communication so to be spoken to with such little respect is not acceptable.
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