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Tact is not my forte....Some of my favorite quotes... Mahatma Gandhi:
"Truth never damages a cause that is just."
Dan Rather:
"The dream begins,most of the time, with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you onto the next plateau, sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called truth."
John Locke:
"It is one thing to show a man he is in error, and another to put him in possession of the truth."
Margaret Mead:
"What people say, what people do, and what they say they do are entirely different things."
Gloria Steinem:
"The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off"
"After hearing 2 eyewitness accounts of the same incident, one begins to wonder the truth about history."
"Never apologize for showing your true feelings, to do so would be apologizing for telling the truth"
"Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, just not to their own facts"
Mark Twain:
"Always tell the truth. That way, you don't have to remember what you said"
Sir Winston Churchill:
"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened"
Alexander Jablokov:
"The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards"
Harry S. Truman:
"I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell."
"Beware of the half truth. You may of gotten hold of the wrong half."
"When truth is replaced by silence, the silence is a lie"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You may find that holding the leash to this collar is worse than wearing it. Much worse.
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Living my life in a bubble filled with the haze of reality....
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Posted:Feb 28, 2012 11:25 pm
Last Updated:Sep 18, 2015 12:10 am
11280 Views
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A year and 5 months..yep that is how long it's been since my last post....I haven't been missed all that much so it seems it is no big deal...which is perfectly fine with me. I am not even sure why I kept my account and didn't just delet all this...I guess I kept thinking, eventually...shrug.
Well in the past 18 months my world has come to a screeching halt and I feel as if I have lost more than can be fathomed...my ex-husband, my mother, my father, most recently my 11 year old ...these are just the huge ones and don't include my best friend and other friends and the other various things...and even though I have heard, you haven't lost everything,...the family, friends, support and even the huge part of myself I've lost is a very lonely mountain I pray others don't ever have to climb...
I have reached that point where even though I will keep going because I still have left that depend on me, life seems pretty useless and pointless...and even with professional 'help', who cares...no I am not suicidal...never will be...but life is definitely colorless and simply put, I am existing, nothing more and nothing less...food and liquid have no taste but I eat and drink because what choice do I have, we need it to stay alive, things literally have no color...it's so muted and bland...smells don't hold any appeal, no matter what they are...my emotions are shot...my tact..what little I've ever had is gone...I simply don't care anymore, if I upset or tick someone off...especially when it has become clear how people feel about me, which I don't care about either...the only purpose I have left is making sure my are cared for...and that I will always do...and the whole it will get better with time thing...what a load of BS...each day becomes harder and harder...feeling like i'm stuck fighting my way out of concrete...hoping I get through another day before it dries...physically my body is hurting so bad, that some days I literally cry as I crawl from bed and try to move...I know it is my fibromyalgia...but I have no choice...with my insurance gone and no way to get my meds, I simply have no choice...so for them(my other ) I do it anyway...you may wonder, why am I sharing this here...well mentally and emotionally I've reached the point it's spilled over and I have nobody left to lean on that I can trust or that cares...or as some would say, know how to talk to me or what to say...I have learned that when people are uncomfortable and 'don't know what to say' because they haven't lived it, that it is easier for them to avoid you and go on with their lives than to actually feel uncomfortable and support someone...but you know what, I get that and it really is ok...because I would never want to be the reason someone is uncomfortable or not happy...so as I have told many people throughout everything that has happened, it's ok...I am not angry or upset...sad but nothing more..and I deal with that daily anyway...I can put that away with the rest of it....so, I will post this here...where nobody will see it anyway...or at least nobody that would have to come face to face with me and know or care....and tomorrow when I get the up I will plaster that smile to my face and lock that vault inside and go about my day how everyone expects me to....
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Who the hell...
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Posted:Sep 17, 2010 7:51 am
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2012 11:29 pm
11036 Views
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just zapped me with a live electrical wire....SHIT THAT HURT!!!...
OK...so nobody actually zapped me...but as the nerve endings in my stomach and breasts are starting to reconnect and wake up, they are tingling and zapping left and right...YOUCH...not a pleasant experience and one I hope gets over with soon....
A couple nights ago I was sound asleep and was woken up at 4am literally feeling like someone just touched a hot wire to my stomach...I bolted upright and clamped down with my stomach muscles....BAD IDEA...I've been in pain ever since...wasn't suppose to use those muscles yet...well hell it was instinct...
For any of you wondering what the hell I did to myself...lol...I had a breast lift and a tummy tuck with muscle repair/tightening...roflmao...yep I did this to myself...yeehaw...a glutton for punishment...and I'm not done yet...lol
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VENT...BE WARNED!!!!!!!!!!!
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Posted:Sep 12, 2010 8:56 am
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2012 11:32 pm
11825 Views
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I'm swollen as hell, bitchy, sore, exhausted, been busting my ass making dinners all week I shouldn't be cooking, doing things around the house I shouldn't of had to be doing this soon after surgery, doing things for and others that I shouldn't of been doing...all because I HAD to because NOBODY left me the option to take the downtime needed and recouperate from MAJOR SURGERY...and I'm weilding a BIG sword...today is NOT the day to decide to tell me how you feel like you need a fucking break and how tired YOU are and then tell me I'm hurting because I pushed myself too far too soon and how you'd of done more to help if I'd of just asked or you had known I needed help!!!!! WTF!!!! I pushed MYSELF...yeah fucking right...when did ANYONE give me the option not to?...how can you possibly not know I need help and should be recovering still when I've practically been cut in half and why the fuck should I have to be asking for help when I should be doing NOTHING and recovering in the first place, not doing shit I have to ask for help with!!!!!!!!!!! YET if I stop doing things the damn world comes to a screeching halt and crumbles and then I hear, from way too many people, that the world keeps turning and doesn't just stop or go away because I get sick or have surgery....FU ALL!!!! I'll remember that the next time you have a damn cold and are laying in bed whimpering!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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LOOK OUT............
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Posted:Sep 9, 2010 1:48 pm
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2012 11:34 pm
10821 Views
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For that damn mack truck!!!!
So I feel like I've been run over by a mack truck...then they backed up over me and ran me over again...
But hey at least he squished my tummy flat...hehehe...not sure how he managed to make my boobs perky in the process but yeehaw...I went up against the mack truck and came out a winner...lol.
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Once upon a dream....
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Posted:Sep 7, 2010 7:27 am
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2012 11:36 pm
10925 Views
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The pain is under control but man do I feel like sleeping beauty...EVERYTHING wears me out...I get up and go to the bathroom and get back to my recliner and I'm wiped out....needless to say I've spent way too much time sleeping...lol...have had some wonderfully interesting drug induced dreams...lol...much better than my PIC shrinking peoples heads...hehehe...last night she was standing over the poor Dr. with a glass of wine and a little pitched fork weilding angel with a spiked tail standing on her shoulder, demanding he fix me or she would shrink his nuts this time...LOL...to which he kept replying, begging and crying...I CAN'T FIX HER..and sobbing...she was a bitch long before I got a hold of her....ROFLMAO...while I stood in the background taking survey of the body count...mwahahaha....ok so I'm a little sadistic on these drugs...LOL...
Anyway...I'm alive and hanging in there...will see the surgeon tomorrow for a followup...and hopefully some of these stupid drains can come out then...and we will get a plan in place for fixing what he didn't do the first time around...
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Let the fun begin...
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Posted:Sep 1, 2010 9:51 pm
Last Updated:Sep 7, 2010 7:01 am
11785 Views
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Wonder who I'll be this time...Alice down the hole...Mirror Mirror on the wall...sleeping beauty...lost in Charlie's chocolate factory...beetlejuice beetlejuice beetlejuice...or will that pesky little mouse with the wire rimmed glasses and cigar jacket be back to visit...hmmm...oh the joys of the unknown....
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Idiots Unite....
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Posted:Apr 23, 2010 7:07 am
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2012 11:38 pm
10864 Views
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I swear there must be a secret realm where the idiots of this world visit, to learn pointers on how to piss off people and humiliate themselves....do they sit around playing cards and drinking...talking bout the days events...how many times they got that Doh' look from someone...how many people smacked them upside the head today...maybe they hold seminars on how to say stupid things...how to "piss off strangers and alienate people"....do they have a University of Idiocracy?...and what kind of degrees do they offer?...I mean what really goes on in this secret realm...On second thought maybe I really don't want to know....but if I could find the portal or doorway to the realm I'd pack it full of C4 and anything else I could get my hands on and take care of the problem once and for all.
"You think Einstein walked around thinkin' everyone was a bunch of dumb shits? Now you know why he built that bomb."--Rita..from Idiocracy
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Down the rabbit hole...
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Posted:Apr 15, 2010 12:56 pm
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2012 11:41 pm
10830 Views
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Ok so last night I had a dream...I was tumbling down the rabbit hole...part way down I thought am I Alice...well I look over and hey there's Alice falling with me...lol...so nope not her...I get to the bottom and all the gang is assembled...so who the fuck was I...all the characters were present at the tea party...and then there was me...WTF...like I really thought the freaking dream was going to make sense or something...as the tea party progressed the mad hatter(who wasn't Johnny Depp but had the same BIG eyes) looks me in the eye and says you are truly mad you know that right...I laughed and laughed for no apparent reason...then the March Hare stomps on my foot and says the hatter is in love with you...only because you're truly as mad as he...the whole time I'm thinking who the hell am I...again with trying to make sense of this fucking dream...I'm standing to the side watching the festivities when the Queen of Hearts screams off with her head and points to me...where as Alice then jumps in and hands me this shiny sword and says this is why you're here...slay the bitch...roflmao...I look down to find myself wearing this horrible looking purple 1980's prom dress and holding my sword...and I knew without even looking in the mirror that I had big hair that probably took 3 cans of aquanet to keep in place and some horrible sparkly makeup on...and yep on my feet you guessed it screwy looking lacy high heeled Madonna mini boots...WTF...then the white rabbit starts tugging at my dress saying you're late you're late...and I wake up hearing my saying mom come on we're going to be late...you know what's really fucked about all this...I just wanted to close my eyes and go back to Wonderland and slay that big headed bitch...lol.
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Was that a compliment?...
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Posted:Apr 14, 2010 1:58 pm
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2012 11:42 pm
10982 Views
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PSA:
Ok guys(and I don't just mean the men) listen up...if you're idea of a compliment goes something like...wow you're hot...I never would of guessed you'd turn out that way...or see I always knew you'd be gorgeous if you weren't fat....then you deserve to be knocked upside the head with not only my sword of truth but any hard inanimate object within reach. I shouldn't be amazed...but let me say I am. Some of the things that come out of people's mouths are FUCKING STUPID...I can't believe...refuse to believe that there is anyone that dumb out there...maybe that inconsiderate but not that dumb...REALLY?
When you open your mouth to compliment someone you might want to stop and think first...is this really going to get me laid or hit?...if the answer is laid then by all means blurt it out...but don't be suprised if it really doesn't get you laid...but if you even have the slightest doubt tuck those words back in where they came from and try nice shirt or nice knees instead...lol. I mean if you're going to be an idiot anyway at least leave them just staring at you like WTF instead of reaching for a chair to smash over your head.
Ok off my soapbox...
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At a loss for words...who me...
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Posted:Apr 12, 2010 10:51 am
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2012 11:45 pm
10902 Views
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I was recently asked if I was at a loss for words or just always this evasive...I had to laugh...because evasive is definitely more like it...I don't open up to people...it's not my style...if you manage to get past the fortress I've built around myself consider yourself lucky...or unlucky since now you'll have to scale the razor wire fence I've erected...then swim the moat filled with gators, snakes and other creepy things...then if you get over that watch out for the mine field...then the pack of wild hellhounds trained to attack at my command...if you manage to come out of all that with any part of you intact, then you have to get past my sword of truth and maybe we can talk then...very few have managed...P.I.C...bless her...I don't know what she saw that made her get through it all and stomp those damn hellhounds into the ground while deflecting every blow my sword landed...or even why she would want to...but damn her she did...lol...is it a fault...yeah..but it's mine and i'll own it...and know that because of it i may die a lonely old woman...but at least i'll accept it and own it as my own...responsibility is a good thing...some people should try it ocassionally...
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Changes aren't always bad...
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Posted:Apr 11, 2010 4:44 pm
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2012 11:48 pm
10827 Views
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So I've been through a lot over the last few years as many of you know...so many changes that sometimes they make my head spin...lol.
Since my last post in December, we lost my dad to cancer in January...grown closer to my sister..I've lost 110 lbs...
life has still been a rollercoaster...my ex husband and I are "together" again..for now...I've gotten over someone from my past...someone I thought might be an issue for me for a long time...but lo and behold as life changed so did my feelings...thankfully... are doing great...growing..changing in great ways...and recently several old high school friends have come back into my life which has been good...and an old flame from way back when(18 years) has also come back into my life in a way I never thought possible...
I think through all of this I've had to look hard at myself and those around me and ask what do I want from all this...what do I need...in the process I stumbled across a quote that sums things up pretty damn well...
�Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.�
Words to live by for sure....
Isn't it funny how life is constantly changing for some people and for others it never seems to change...in my opinion change is good...it's what keeps our journey in life real and moving forward...without change we would never leave our comfort zone...and when we leave our comfort zone we grow...
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The planet is still turning...
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Posted:Dec 12, 2009 10:22 am
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2012 11:49 pm
10904 Views
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I think!!!...ok so I'm sure everyone thought I'd fallen off the face of the earth....but alas...I wasn't that lucky...life has been chaos...then again if it wasn't I really would wonder if the earth was still rotating...as many know my mom passed away August 2nd...very devastating...and picking up the pieces has been a roller coaster ride...then I had surgery Oct. 1st...before you ask why I'll just tell you...weight loss surgery...I'm down 68 lbs...in basically 2 months...excited...hell yes...freaked...hell yes...and again a roller coaster ride...then we got the call that my dad was in the hospital a couple weeks ago...he had pneumonia that wouldn't go away or so they thought....turns out it's small cell lung cancer...very aggresive and too far gone to cure...so we now have a matter of weeks with him...then last week my 13 year old started complaining one night about what we thought was the stomach flu...next day we went to the dr. to discover it was his appendix...so off to the hospital we went for surgery and a couple day vacation at resort hospitale....ok...yeah no it wasn't a vacation but alls well and we're home now...so the dreaded bday is tomorrow...blech...I'm feeling pretty alone right now...and I dare not ask what else can happen before the end of the year...but I do know one thing...I WANT OFF THIS FUCKING ROLLER COASTER...
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As opposed to semi dead...
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Posted:Sep 1, 2009 8:54 pm
Last Updated:Apr 11, 2010 5:02 pm
10903 Views
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As some may have read on my PIC's blog, my mother passed away on the 2nd of August...it's been a very long and trying month for me...as she was not only my mother...but my best friend...confidante...and backbone on many occasions...we talked daily without fail...multiple times a day...she was a huge huge part of mine and my lives...she was not only a loving and caring person who was always there for me...but she had a wicked sense of humor and her attitude about life was something I can only hope to adopt and pass onto my ...this has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through...
As her oldest , I was next of kin and have had to deal with all the things that come when one passes away...
So as I've gone through the routine of clearing up the final business matters, PIC and I have joked numerous times about how my mom is up there laughing her butt off and messing with my head...here is one such story that I wanted to share...made me think ok mom nobody can really be this stupid...
I went to the post office to open a PO Box to forward my moms mail to...I fill out the paper and I list my mom and ex husband(who passed away in 2007 and I'm the administrator of his estate) as receiving mail at the PO Box. Here's what followed...
USPS LADY: Who are these people listed to receive mail at this address?
ME: My mother and ex husband, both deceased. I have been assigned to handle their affairs.
USPS LADY: I will need ID for them to receive their mail in the box.
ME: I have a death certificate for him but have not been issued one for my mom yet. But I have her old license and the obit from the paper and the service folder from the funeral.
USPS LADY: That's not acceptable ID. I need them to bring me in something proving it's them.
ME: UH they're dead.
USPS LADY: Without they can't receive their mail here.
ME: Really their dead.
USPS LADY: I still need them to bring me ID.
ME: Are you not listening? Please tell me we're not really having this conversation.
USPS LADY: Ma'am, this is the way it is.
Finally the postmaster comes out and asks if there's a problem.
ME: Yes, my ex and mother are deceased and she wants me to have them come in and bring ID so they can prove who they are and get their mail at the PO Box.
POSTMASTER: (starts laughing and looks at USPS lady and says): Do you want her to dig them up?
ME: This really isn't funny. And besides my mom was cremated and my ex is 400 miles away. They aren't exactly buried in my back yard.
POSTMASTER: (to USPS lady): It's just silly you are giving her a hard time. Just give her the PO Box.
USPS LADY: Oh you mean they're dead dead?
ME: WHAT!! As opposed to what, semi dead? I mean why would I get a death certificate if they were only semi dead...sheesh.
USPS LADY: (as she turns bright red): Please sign here. And you do realize that no other persons can receive mail here without appropriate ID, right?
ME: (as I'm signing the paper): So you mean if I collect more dead people I'm just out of luck?
She was speechless after that and the people in line behind me got a good chuckle....
My mom was no doubt looking down having a good laugh....ROFLMAO
Trust me there's more to come in later blogs...
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