Do you ever meet anyone here?
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Posted:Jun 24, 2017 1:51 pm
Last Updated:Jul 22, 2017 1:44 pm
22258 Views
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I get asked this question fairly often. The answer is, well, yes, in fact, I do.
Sometimes there is just not enough chemistry, just as it is on any other dating site, which is the most common, because chemistry isn't something you can judge until you meet.
Sometimes I meet someone, it's worth it to see if they are sexually compatible...and...for whatever reason, I don't want to see them again, or only a couple of times, which is the second most common thing that happens. It may have to do with sexual compatibility, but most likely, it's just chemistry. They were fun for one or two go arounds, but I'm not into them enough to do it again--or they aren't into me enough, which sometimes happens. Occasionally when it's them not into me, they will try coming back much later for more, but I'm not going to fall for that claptrap. If they aren't into me enough to make it a regular thing, I'm not fucking them in a moment of their desperation.
I have some lifelong friends from this site I've known over a decade. One of them was the very first person I ever got to know in San Diego. This is the third most common thing that happens to me. Some of them I didn't meet for sex, but met because they were bloggers and we had something in common and wanted to be friends.
Sometimes I meet someone we would be happy to have sex with many times, but for whatever reason we don't have the sex & mental/emotional combo that would make either of us consider it more than that. This is actually both fairly elusive and reasonably desirable, just as I'm sure it is to a lot of people.
Then, on VERY rare occasions I find someone who may be even more than that...which is the most desirable thing of all. I've had better luck with that on other sites, but I don't rule it out on this one. If anything, it's more likely because the culture is to be very open and honest about the sex part, meaning when everything else falls into place, it's more likely that everything will, whereas the sex part can blow it when people haven't discussed it ahead of time.
By the way, if you haven't figured it out, ALL dating sites are about sex. In that regard, this one just tends to be more straight-forward than most. Men on here commonly state in their profiles that they are here because while they are seeking a relationship, they want to avoid having relationships with women for whom sex just isn't a very high priority.
For the women here, I can say a good number of them are here for reasons 3 or 4. It's not that we don't care about other things. It's just that we DO care about sex, we're honest about it, and we are bold enough to have confidence to ask for what we want.
You know what the funny part is? There are actually men on this site that freak out when you start talking about sex after getting to know them.
You want more women to be open and ask for what they want? Hell, do you want women to just be more interested in sex, in general? Start acting as if talking about it is a good thing, no matter what site you are using, because your hangups are showing, and you are giving us just one more reason to be fed up with men's bullshit.
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A Response to: ""Why should I "block, ignore and move on"?""
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Posted:Jun 22, 2017 3:05 pm
Last Updated:Jun 27, 2017 1:20 pm
12770 Views
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So, today [blog Lady_Jayne_Layne] posted [post 3997430]. She usually has some interesting things to say, so I had a look. Well, what she had to say got me thinking about my own way of responding, and I have to admit, I'm both a sweet person AND I can also be a punk assed bitch. It's gotten to where when people pull crap on me, I let them know what I think of their shitty behavior before I get around to blocking.
I've gotten a few apologies...even got one very recently.
The guy had "single" on his profile, and told me in text messaging that his profile was incorrect, and that he is "attached." I told him that wasn't a good situation for me, so I wouldn't be meeting him. He tries persuading me, he has permission, it's just sex, blah, blah, blah. i told him I have my reasons. He asked what they were. I explained.
So at this point I had told the guy a) what he was asking me to do wasn't healthy for me, and b) I even took the time and energy to explain it, which was not a small thing, considering it has to do with a history of piss poor treatment by partners of mine in open relationships.
So he goes back to continuing to try to persuade me, "It's sex kitten... We can fuck each other's brains out just like you recently stated...  You and all women deserve that...Sex... sex... cumming.. dick..."
At this point, I'm pissed. I'm pissed with good reason. "Are you not hearing me?" I respond. "What the hell is it with you men who, when confronted with a woman and her reasons, just don't accept that?"
The excuses start up, "Sorry. Just trying to make a potentially cool thing happen.... Can you blame me for trying? "...then..."All good! I respect your position..."
I don't bite. He's not getting away with finding out something this personal would be bad for me, and then asking me to do it anyways. What a shitty thing to do to anyone, let alone someone you want to go to bed with...
I reply, "Yes. I can. I can blame you for ignoring how unhealthy this is for me and asking me to ignore my well-being in favor of your concocted fantasy situation...Because I don't ask my partners to do ANYTHING they feel is unhealthy for them."
Now he tries to pretend his shitty behavior away, "I wouldn't ask you to either... Its all good. "
Now I respond to him, "You just did. When I called you out on it...you backed out. But I had to go there [had to call him out]."
He finally realizes he had better start backtracking from his bullshit, which is still miles and miles ahead of a huge number of men on any dating site. He can see I'm holding his feet to the fire and now all he's left with is damage control, "You seem like an intelligent woman. I like that."
Well, at least he's capable of damage control. I'm still pissed I had to go there, but at least there is that, "I would NEVER ask someone else to go there, because I respect the people I'm interested in having sex with," I say, because it is true. I DON'T DO THIS. I date adults, so that I don't have to deal with childish behaviors and can simply respect my partners...and then I do what a respectful adult should be doing. I FUCKING RESPECT THEIR BOUNDARIES.
He's realized he's fucked up, but STILL NOT TAKING FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS BULLSHIT, "But if it isn't meant to be than it isn't...Seriously... No issues here...I'm glad I got the chance to talk to you..."
No issues here? He says no issues here? Oh, no, he fucking isn't getting away with that! "Yes. There was an issue. I'm attempting to educate you, because apparently you don't understand that it is an issue and a problem and it's upsetting."
Finally, it has sunk in, "I apologize..."
Now I'm starting to settle down, but I wasn't finished with him, "Don't ask people to do things they tell you aren't good for them. Period." And then, "Thank you."
He finished by wishing me to find what I'm looking for.
So, I think you are correct, [blog Lady_Jayne_Layne]. Sometimes, yes, blocking is the only way to get rid of the person who is just a numbskull. I get it. But there are plenty of times just holding someone's feet to the fire and making it clear their behavior is unacceptable might make someone think twice before repeating that same nonsense with someone else.
How about you? Do you ever do more than ignore and block people who are testing your patience?
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6
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Empirically Validated!
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Posted:Jun 21, 2017 8:46 pm
Last Updated:Jun 23, 2017 5:15 am
10539 Views
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So, I have been saying that my number one most important goal is to solve my inconsistent sex crisis. Ideally, that would be in a relationship with someone that is meaningful on a multitude of data points...that's the ideal.
But the bottom line, folks, is solving the crisis--which is a lack of consistent sex.
I've been trying to articulate why this is important to me. I realized after a few months of not having regular sex, that when I finally did get out and have a decent round of it...not the best, mind you, but something worthwhile enough to "make it all better," that I felt "myself" again. I have been having a bit of a hard time figuring out how to explain this.
The best explanation I finally came up with was that I feel more grounded when I have sex regularly.
It's not that I'm going crazy. It's not that I'm unbalanced without it. I just have a very strong feeling of being grounded, which is how I'm used to feeling, and I decided I had to solve this matter one way or another, because I like feeling grounded.
Well, my naughty friends, I just got empirically validated! Yessiree! A researcher friend of mine posted an article from Psychology Today about the impact of having regular sex. Here's the best part:
"For 21 consecutive days, adults reported on whether they had sex, the quality of their sex (intimacy, pleasure), and positive emotions, negative emotions, and sense of meaning in life. We found that having sex boosted people’s sense of well-being the next day... First, the findings were the same for men and women. Sometimes gender and sex do not matter. (A surprisingly controversial point.) Second, the findings were the same regardless of whether you were having sex with a close, intimate romantic relationship partner or a romantic relationship partner that you can barely tolerate."
It's important to note that there is a point where more sex doesn't create an even greater sense of well-being. Basically, it will get you to a certain point. If you are having sex once a week, that's what gets you to this place.
The one thing that didn't come into play that I would have liked to see addressed is how individuals define sex. I mean...is it sex if you hook up and he turns out to be a minute man, doesn't do anything to take care of you, and you don't really get anything out of it? How does masturbation fit in the whole scheme of things (I do it--it doesn't do the same thing for me)?
Regardless, I appreciate the timing with which this bit of information found its way to me.
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3
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Infectious Smile
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Posted:Jun 21, 2017 7:46 am
Last Updated:Jun 26, 2017 1:56 pm
10100 Views
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So, yesterday I met a man on here. He's super busy, which I love those men, because they are also super interesting. I also know from recent experience that can be a problem. I hope it won't be.
His smile is stuck in my brain.
This is something that doesn't generally happen to me. I like being able to look at men I enjoy looking at, but I don't think any facial expression of anyone has ever super glued itself to the screen of my mind before. In general, visuals just don't stay with me. I'm far too much of an intellectual and think in words.
So, he could be Mr. Special. If he can pull himself away from his work just enough, I'm pretty sure that spot is easily his for the taking.
We shall see.
What kinds of things stick in your head when you are dating? Are there things that really stand out?
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7
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Pushy People
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Posted:Jun 19, 2017 3:25 pm
Last Updated:Jul 1, 2017 1:33 am
9405 Views
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I hate pushy people. Seriously. If you are incapable of accepting a no, there is no way in hell you are getting a yes afterwards. So you don't accept no when I say I won't meet you at your house? You think I am going to trust you to wear a condom like we've agreed? You think I'm going to trust you to listen to anything else I have to say?
A guy and I start talking, he doesn't host, I don't host. He wanted to make porn with me in it...which I won't do. He was talking about sex in his car, and I'm, like, dude, this just isn't going to work. Everything pointed to it just being a disaster...so I told him that it was too complicated and wasn't going to work...and the guy tried calling me twice, tried messaging me here multiple times, messaging me on the other site I saw him on, and just generally not stopping the pursuit.
Just NO.
Another guy hit me up on chat. I told him when he shared his face pic that he wasn't my type, even though I don't think he's unattractive. AGAIN, instead of hearing me, he tried telling me why it didn't matter that he's not my type and how his type was something else, yadda, yadda, I dunno...I blocked him at that point. Just WTF? Why would you want sex with someone who doesn't feel like they are attracted to you?
Just NO.
No. Being able to hear no and adjust your behavior and expectations is sexy. Being able to rest what you want in favor of another person's autonomy is sexy. Being unable to hear no just makes me think you are going to think you can force me into seeing things your way or worse--use force on me when you don't get what you want.
Don't be stupid. Pushy is not sexy.
Follow up: So, tonight he sends me this message, "What's up, old biatch!"
I reported him for abuse after I sent him a message saying I was doing so. What an ass!
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5
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Second Sleep
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Posted:Jun 18, 2017 4:58 am
Last Updated:Jun 19, 2017 1:19 am
9388 Views
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So, my primary job this weekend is to take care of myself. If something comes up that is fun that I'm willing to do, I'm definitely going to go do it. In the meantime, I'm recovering from a mild tweak to my back this past week...too much sitting and I'm just not used to sitting that much...after a couple of weeks of not enough exercise. Time to add planking back into my routines, apparently, and rebuild some core strength so those busy times at work don't wind up with my back out of whack and me unable to function normally.
So, again, back to my main point...I'm focusing on taking care of myself this weekend. This means moderate purposeful exercise, and then lots and lots of rest, ice, heat, and Motrin. It also means I'm not doing much writing, which is what I mean to be doing, because I really want to be able to sit up to do that...and that aggravates the problem I'm having, so I'm not doing it. So, laying in bed is causing me to have an odd sleep routine, and it reminds me of the, what I think is, interesting history of sleep.
Did you know that this whole 8 hours per night of sleep is a modern invention? Google "second sleep" if you don't believe me.
People used to do things like read, write, cuddle and feed babies, and HAVE SEX during this waking period that lasted 2-3 hours per night. So, I'm awake...dammit...and no one here to have sex with.
Such a shame!
Oh well, I'm going to assume I'll sort that piece out, at the very least, sometime in the near future. I do hate being woken for sex, although, done the right way, I've been known to be fairly responsive...so again...back to that quality of relationship thing. Does someone actually listen to what works? Do they do it?
What about you? Do you like being woken up for sex? If you do only sometimes, what is it that works on occasion for you? What does NOT work?
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3
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You have a choice here...
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Posted:Jun 17, 2017 4:51 pm
Last Updated:Jun 24, 2017 4:39 pm
9848 Views
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So, I was chatting with a friend of mine who is green card Japanese woman. She's tiny, cute, and fucking brilliant. Also, her politics lean to the extreme left. We often talk about "my" dating problems, which come back to situations she, herself, has experienced.
Now, as a student of human nature, I can tell you that one of the things about brilliant people is they tend to get a bit frustrated with much of everyone else, because it's hard for them to completely grasp why things that are obvious to them are not obvious to everyone around them. This results in many of them being frustrated much of the time with other people, and she tends to be a bit of a recluse, some of it stemming from that, I'm sure.
So, it's a little hard for her to date, because if they say the wrong thing, or their voice isn't just right, it's over. Sexual chemistry is gone the way of the Dodo bird. As a result, she was telling me about how there are times when she is out with a guy, and she just flat out tells them, "Look, you can keep talking, or you can take me home and fuck me. Your choice. If you keep on talking, there won't be any fucking."
I found this hilariously funny. I'm so glad she dropped by that night and we drank ourselves some wine, because it was a lovely evening.
Aaaand...last night's date was all wrong. Guy wasn't terrible...but ZERO sexual chemistry...not only that, but he smelled like a wrinkled old lady, and I think that was actually some sort of scent he was wearing on purpose. Somehow, even though there was very little touching, the scent got on me, and it was bothering me so much, I had get in the shower when I got home and wash it off, even though I had a shower just a few hours before. And he also made a big deal of trying to make sure I wasn't still married (been divorced legally for a couple of years now, and was pretty separated a year before that), AND that I don't, for sure, want anymore . They weren't just passing inquiries, either. He made kind of a big deal about them--"Are you sure?" "Is there any way that isn't the case?".
WHEN THE HELL ARE THOSE FIRST DATE QUESTIONS? A passing question or comment, whatever, but he actually made a bit of a big deal about these two things...and implied dating was about getting married, which my profile on that site makes it pretty clear that I'm uncomfortable about being serious, even though, eventually, I might like to be if things just happened to go there, so any thoughtful person should know better than to do that to me!
So, what kinds of things have happened on dates that have ruined them, or almost ruined them, for you?
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3
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Best One-Liner I've Heard in Awhile
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Posted:Jun 16, 2017 12:25 pm
Last Updated:Jun 19, 2017 10:47 pm
10031 Views
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"I like teachers... When you do something wrong they make you do it over again."
How about you? What's the best one that you've heard in awhile?
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2
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Asking the Elf: Sucking Cock
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Posted:Jun 15, 2017 11:51 pm
Last Updated:Jun 23, 2017 5:19 am
9630 Views
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Question: Can I ask you a question? I always wondered some things, but know I'll never get a real answer from any of the women I knew...do women only like sucking certain cocks? Or doing bad, nasty sex with that special guy they like, compared to just the average guy one might sleep with? Does it matter what type of guy it is as to how willing a woman is to do nasty hardcore things? (edited for clarity)
Answer: For me, what matters is the quality of the relationship I'm having with a man. If a man truly respects me and has a deep relationship with me, doesn't have expectations, and just lets me go at my own pace, it's not something I would shy away from.
If I feel disrespected in any way, controlled in any way, put upon in any way, I don't want to.
Not sure if that is helpful. That's really just how I am.
Response: Yeah. Very interesting. It puts some perspective on some things! Thanks for your input.
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I need a massage...!
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Posted:Jun 14, 2017 6:16 pm
Last Updated:Jun 24, 2017 6:23 am
9456 Views
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I don't know how to sit in a chair all day long. My poor back has had quite enough of that crap this week! I've stretched it; I've used my roller. I think I'm going to get a hot pack and center it on my sacroiliac, too, because I'm still dying.
What do you do when your back is bugging you? And how do people sit this long at my age?
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9
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Next Ex-Boyfriend?
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Posted:Jun 13, 2017 5:33 pm
Last Updated:Jun 24, 2017 6:45 pm
9677 Views
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Considering the lengths of the various dating situations I've had this year, I think I'm just going to refer to various men as "my next ex-boyfriend." This seems a much more practical way to reference people until someone comes along who is both a) available, b) interested, and c) capable of maintaining my interest over time.
Unavailable men seem to be my forte as of late.
Behind that? Men who really make me just think WTF?
The most interesting person as of late? Also unavailable for the time being.
*Sigh*
I don't want clingy.
I don't want someone completely unavailable.
I don't want someone anti-intellectual.
I don't want someone conventional.
I don't want someone incapable of communication.
I definitely don't want someone controlling.
I don't want someone incapable of adulting.
I also don't want someone incapable of having fun.
Is that a tall order?
Probably.
What do you want?
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4
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Taking Time To Disengage vs. Having an Escapist Mentality
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Posted:Jun 12, 2017 6:48 pm
Last Updated:Jun 24, 2017 6:37 am
10879 Views
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I guess from the time I was a , I haven't really been a fan of escapist mentalities. Now, I'm not talking about an appreciation of fiction writing or films. These are things I know, and, hopefully, you do, too, are actually fictional in nature. They might be useful for understanding humankind, their plight, their emotions, their history and possible futures. Most people read these things for pleasure and gain insight into their own daily struggles from what they absorb. They aren't escapist tales they tell themselves to avoid the less pleasant aspects of reality.
I'm talking about when people are out of touch with the daily reality of their lives.
Maybe they go back to a clearly dysfunctional relationship. Maybe they do that more than once. Maybe they do it more than 5 times. Regardless, each time they do it, they are imagining a future unlike their past experience, and usually with little, to no, evidence suggesting that anything, at all, has changed in any significant way. They are repeating the same patterns, but expecting different results. Now, I may personally do this once to give someone another chance if they think they can do better...or if I think something has changed...but as soon as I see it hasn't...NOPE...and...NEXT.
Sometimes people get stuck in a backwards loop of reflection, "I really had it so much better __________." Again, I really can't stomach this. So the fuck what? What do you have to gain from such a thing? How does that help you live better, today, right now?
That actually drives me a little bit crazy.
Then, finally, the religious thing just smacks of so much escapist mentality and magical thinking that it makes me want to hurl. IMHO, at best, religions are based on archaic values that really don't hold up in today's world, meaning that people embrace a form of alternative reality, or a set of alternative facts, which we all are fans of these days, aren't we? This alternative reality fairly consistently disenfranchises people from other walks of life, best case scenario. At worst, it leads them to harm others.
You don't have to be religious to be a good person. No one has to be religious to believe in the golden rule. There is nothing religious about it. If you do want to be a good person, it's almost all you need. I say almost because what is best for someone else isn't necessarily what is right for me. This means some inquiry is in order from time to time, but it's an excellent place to start and maintain a good deal of focus on if you care at all about being a good person.
On the other hand, people can just embrace life and actual fiction, things often discouraged by the church, to enjoy that which can give pleasure and imagine another kind of a future, which allows them to change the present.
Engage in some actual transcendental sex if you want to really want to feel fully alive, engaged, and in the moment. You want to feel some positive energy? Just go to a huge party where sex is encouraged and celebrated, consent is understood by all, and opportunities abound for having fun. Never have I experienced a drop in positive energy the way I have walking away from a party like that...because the energy built up in a situation like that is as palpable and as easy to recognize as the sun is when it comes up in the sky in the morning every day.
If you want to reflect on the past, reflect on what went right, what went wrong, and how you can do better in the future rather than getting stuck there. Make it productive.
You want to have better relationships? Use tools to change the relationship you have so that it gets better, or start again with someone more suited to you. Stop Groundhog Daying your experiences.
You want to be a better person? Become a secular humanist. Have ideals and goals and make them reality.
You feel stuck? Go watch a movie, marathon watch a fictional series, read a novel. Believe it or not, these actual fictional accounts can sometimes be the break our brain needs to help us disengage and find new and innovative solutions to our problems that no amount of getting stuck can do for us.
These forms of disengagement from the day to day of our daily experiences can be healthy, good, and fun for all, renew our understanding of our existence, and help us come up with solutions that we'd otherwise never consider.
So, if you need a break, take a break. Actually take a step aside and experience something new. Don't let yourself get stuck in an escapist mentality. There is nothing good that can come out of it. We all deserve better than than what that will produce.
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5
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Say...what?
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Posted:Jun 11, 2017 12:28 pm
Last Updated:Jun 24, 2017 6:58 am
9822 Views
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So, Mr. I-don't-believe-in-evolution sent me a message after the fact, "So does this mean no more good sex???"
Wait...what? The guy...okay...he did feel pretty good...but I'd been telling him I needed sex to go a lot longer before I'd feel satisfied...and he just kept cumming way too soon...maybe it's plenty for some people...but NOT FOR ME! Not only that, he really didn't put in much effort to make sure i came...which meant I didn't. I figured it was good enough that I could work with it...but it was by NO MEANS "good" sex. it was okay sex that could possibly get better with MORE EFFORT on his part.
What exactly did he think was in it for me to continue the sexual aspect of our relationship if the rest wasn't working out?
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7
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To link to this blog (Red_Elf) use [blog Red_Elf] in your messages.
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