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Name, please!
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Posted:Apr 12, 2016 12:03 am
Last Updated:Apr 22, 2016 4:22 pm
16242 Views
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I'm not really okay with meeting people who think they can't give me their first and last name. I feel like they just aren't worth the risk or stranger danger. I'm not going to require an ID, but a full name and online presence I can verify? Yes. I need that. What about you? What do you require?
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3
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Wait...I grew a backbone?
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Posted:Apr 10, 2016 7:43 pm
Last Updated:May 20, 2017 12:50 pm
12774 Views
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So, at some point this week I grew a backbone. I'm actually super proud of it.
Ok, I know I have a lot of attitude and most people would be shocked to hear me say I didn't think I had one, but in my intimate relationships I've tended towards being a pleaser and in my marriage, it turned into me being walked all over...which is also why I'm so vocal about women's issues--we are vulnerable when it comes to all kinds of things and that isn't going to change until we take back our power.
So I did. I changed. I changed and I'm taking back my power. I'm done being bullied and I'm bringing the asshole to court.
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5
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A List of Things I'm Too Old For
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Posted:Apr 5, 2016 1:57 am
Last Updated:Jun 1, 2017 12:48 am
11816 Views
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1. I'm too old for relationships with no sense of connection. Sure, I can have one based mostly on sex that isn't of primary focus, but if you are dedicating an hour or so a week to me, and only when we are both tired, while you put energy and focus into banging other women, that's just lame. Give me a proper amount of your time and energy if you have it, or don't bother. Also, don't go months after saying you want to be my sex friend, total MIA, no contact, and then suddenly pop back onto my life months later. Just don't.
2. I'm too old to listen to men patronize me like I don't know what I'm talking about. Seriously, I'm not perfect, but I'm reasonably brilliant, and know when I know what I'm talking about, and you just need to grow a pair and shut the hell up.
3. I'm too old to put up with objectification. If you inbox me with nonsense that has more to do with your fantasies than any sense of interest in who I am and what I may want, you're barking up the wrong tree.
My profile lets people know what I'm about without giving too much detail. I treat everyone with respect and authenticity. Yes, I have a lover who is pretty much primary that I care deeply about and tend to talk about often. No, that doesn't mean I will treat you badly when we do spend time together, though I may cut it short if I have other plans. Once we have established a substantial connection, I will not just drop away and I will not over book my dance card so you never get quality me. That's not how I do things.
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4
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Hey! You Can't Be A Feminist!
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Posted:Apr 1, 2016 7:03 pm
Last Updated:May 22, 2017 8:19 pm
10723 Views
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You're a man. You are getting non-stop hit on by other men and women you are definitely not interested in having sex with. The men are cat calling you. The women are constantly looking you up and down.
Does this mean you don't want to have sex with anyone? Or, that you are actually only interested in sex with one person who thinks they own you?
It cracks me up when a man thinks he can define feminism for me. As if I don't know what equality means to me! As if! Some men seem to think a feminist can't take her clothes off, can't have relationships based on sexual gratification, and can't have open sexual relationships willingly.
Uh, sorry, but nothing could be further from the truth. For one, there's something fairly empowering when a woman takes her sexual gratification into her own hands, and not just masturbating. It's feminist to have sex with the people I'm interested in when I'm interested. When that is the case, I'm calling the shots--just as, frankly, any man would want to do.
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8
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Four Fs--Fighting, Fleeing, Feeding, & Mating
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Posted:Mar 31, 2016 7:16 pm
Last Updated:May 20, 2017 1:03 pm
9084 Views
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So, as far as evolution is concerned, there are four fs of survival, fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating. Of course, as human beings, we all seem to have made this a lot more complicated. That being said, there's one piece of that complicated stuff that I find endlessly fascinating--the emotional and spiritual growth that seems to be a direct outcome of healthy sexual relationships. It's actually the number one reason I continue to move forward with nonmonogamy, rather than break it off with my primary partner to find someone more interested in monogamy.
See, he and I met while both being quite nonmonogamous, but we didn't wind up remaining that way as our other relationships dropped off one at a time. We wound up being monogamous as a result, and neither of us was seeking anything outside, and then he wanted to go back to that.
Well, the thing is, I was just fine being monogamous at this point. I love him dearly and had been through way too much change in that past year. But, unlike my ex, who couldn't even have a conversation around nonmonogamy and how his practice of it might be affecting me (now you know why he was gone), my guy took the time to say, "Hey, I care about you and I feel like if I just do this without helping you along that it's like dumping the garbage in your lawn and telling you to deal with it."
So, we wound up really working through what was behind why he wanted nonmonogamy and what things might make it easier for me to deal with it. It's not like he was not looking at other profiles during this time, but he wasn't rushing into anything, either.
So, we wound up here...because I would NEVER presume to own another person and tell him or her what to do in relationship to other people ever again, and because I love the man dearly.
The thing is, even though I am dealing with what is sometimes a fairly decent amount of discomfort, I have my moments when I feel truly free, as well, something my ex refused to let me feel long, at all. I also appreciate the observations she makes to him that help him grow and be a better partner to me. So, yeah, that thing, that growth thing.
So, what about you? What do you take away from your relationships? Good things? Bad things? Growth things? Sad things?
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2
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Adventurous, too
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Posted:Mar 30, 2016 11:23 pm
Last Updated:May 20, 2017 1:04 pm
9104 Views
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So, went on a crazy backpacking trip, at altitude, in the cold, 12 miles. Turns out there was a crazy amount of snow left by El Nino. The exertion far exceeded anything we'd expected, as a result. I barely hobbled to the car at the end. Now I'm convered with scrapes and bruises.
But...it's great being able to say I did that...and now I want to maintain the increased fitness level. We'll see how it goes, but so far, pretty good.
What kind of crazy things have you done that left you feeling accomplished afterwards?
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3
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Red Flags!
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Posted:Mar 30, 2016 12:40 am
Last Updated:Mar 31, 2016 6:17 pm
8724 Views
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Reading profiles is pretty instructive. It often doesn't take long before I find the red flags. Here are some that often come up, along with an explanation for each:
1) Serious lack of grammar--suggests a person doesn't care about bringing his best self to the table.
2) Drama free--suggests a person stirs up drama wherever he goes and doesn't have problem resolution skills.
3) NSA--tells me a guy isn't able to relate on an emotional level, which I need.
4) Nonsense like the following, "...let's face it, transsexuals are men with boobs not girls with penises lol..."--yeah, dude, you're the only one laughing here...but thanks for advertising you are a douchebag and total asshat.
5) Coming across too seriously--dude, you are going to stress me out!
6) Coming across as careless in your choice of images or what you say--you don't seem to care, at all, so why should I?
So, what are your red flags?
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2
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Sometimes, ya have to wonder...
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Posted:Mar 29, 2016 8:28 pm
Last Updated:May 20, 2017 1:05 pm
9942 Views
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So, a guy started messaging me. Says something about a recent split from his wife. Red flags go up--I know my ex has been unbalanced and I don't need more of that, so I inquire why. Response is no biggie, keep talking. Eventually said male gets pissed at me over some fairly inconsequential message and called me a bitch. Obviously, he assumed ill intent where none existed...thing is...why bother?
I went back to deciding the dude was probably unbalanced and blocked him...but really?
Glad I won't be wasting any more time on that one...
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3
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How do you decide what a deal breaker is?
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Posted:Mar 28, 2016 9:15 pm
Last Updated:May 20, 2017 1:05 pm
8354 Views
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So, in my LTR, my guy, he and I are amazing. At the same time, we are beginning to learn to work on, and resolve, some differences. Being very conflict averse, there are things I just haven't pushed. Today I went a little deeper on it. I explained why it bothered me. I got mad, not at him, but at the entire situation. I've decided this is progress.
The thing is, I'm not sure that this is an issue that has to be resolved. Yes, I'd like it to be, but even more, I think I just needed to be able to talk about it and what makes me angry. I needed to be able to "have my little tantrum," as I called it.
You see, I learned about a magic ratio--5:1. You have to be able to talk about the negative stuff for a healthy relationship to form. Sometimes these things are actually the unresolveable issues people fight about over and over throughout the years. It's not so much the disagreements that are harmful, but how they are handled. So, I've decided it's not a deal breaker in the scheme of things, but my needing to talk about it was important. So, I talked about it.
But curious, what are your deal breakers? How do you draw the line between that and healthy disagreements?
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2
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Why are you here, anyways?
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Posted:Mar 27, 2016 11:04 pm
Last Updated:May 30, 2017 11:24 pm
9998 Views
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So, I wrote a blog entry aimed at men complaining about not getting any responses here. A near flame war broke out in response, while I was MIA on a backpacking trip with a group of friends, roughing it on a rugged trail, with subzero temperatures, elevation, and distance. Those were the least of the problems we encountered, because we also ran into an unusually substantial amount of snow that made the trip infinitely more rugged, and we were lucky to make the last mile to breaking camp in the dark only because we managed to weakly link to Google maps on one of our phones...then I come back to this silly flame war caused by an inflammatory MRA type commenter who couldn't comprehend the point of my entry to begin with (while everyone else got it, including male humans).
So, flame war aside, one part of the argument was interesting...which is...what is the purpose of this site? One person argues it's just so men can get what they want, regardless of how shallow and unlikely. Another commenter stated it's a site where people seek relationships. Is it, or, like nearly all good human interactions, in person or in writing, is it a reflection of the transactional nature of human interactions?
I mean, you read a story, right, and you come to it with all your history and background--how gender impacts relationships, how much you understand the culture being written in, your understanding of the landscape, the people, the time period, and you come away with your own understandings about the story. This happens even more rapidly in other mediums when you can literally respond back and forth--in person, in text online, on twitter, SMS, and anything else. That's just what happens in communication, in general.
Well, what happens when you have a website where you advertise people are going to get laid, but you have the typical unbalanced ratio of women to men that happens in most sex positive communities that don't regulate participation of single males? The women make the rules, right? So, now you have a site advertising sex, but you have women making the rules--their bodies, their rules. Suddenly, the transactional nature of relationships starts determining the purpose of the site, rather than the advertised outcome.
Human beings decide what they want, not the site's CEO. Just like every other site with stated goals, the outcomes are moderated by the people, themselves, who are involved, people who are, in this case, often highly selective, and willing to go without if they don't find what they want.
I've personally met some dear friends, at least 2 other bloggers, some sex friends, some platonic friends, and recently a super hot neighbor that I have banged a couple times and plan on banging a lot more. Obviously, I have my own objectives here. I've seen multiple people who've married people they met on this site for sex originally. Is this what is advertised? Not really.
So how do you use this site?
Especially, why are you here and how has this site met your goals, or caused you to rethink them?
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4
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Why won't women talk to me?
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Posted:Mar 25, 2016 12:41 am
Last Updated:Mar 27, 2016 10:28 pm
9879 Views
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If you don't want a factual analysis, stop reading.
If you want the honest truth, keep reading.
Here are the things I ask myself about a guy before I will give him the time of day--is he mentally stimulating? Is he creative, at all, that I can see? Do I find him physically attractive, at all?
Looking at a lot of profiles, first of all, I see many of you don't care about how you look, at all. Then, I see you don't care about capitalization and spelling either. While I'm not saying that it is necessarily an indicator of your character, do you have any idea how many women care about capitalization and spelling? Between those two things, it's like you announced loud and clear that you really don't care how you look to them. Under those circumstances, why should they care about responding, in any way, to you?
When I look at your profile picture, it had better make you look good--and you need to look like you can put a person at ease. Don't look overly serious or intimidating. Taking yourself too seriously is just as bad as not taking yourself seriously enough, because she'll feel like you may not even be a safe person. Look nice, look relaxed, smile big. Make her think you would be pleasant to be around.
If your profile screams...I don't get women...you can be assured that none will be responding to you any time soon.
By the way, my comments aren't really meant to tell you to be what women want. No one can cultivate any kind of authenticity like that. Rather, my comments are meant to tell you that in order to attract women, you need to be the best YOU that you can be...and those things are a great place to start! Find authentic ways to improve yourself!
Do you want to fix the problem? Do interesting things! Stand up straight! Actually LISTEN to women who are talking about what they want. Really, really listen. Pay even more attention to people smarter than you--especially smart women. They have a lot of insights about how the world works, and how women work, in general. Not listening to others is often more than half the battle for most people in just getting along with others, even more so with attracting them. Go to Burning Man. Cultivate interesting hobbies. Join a creative community. Become a student of the human condition.
Women want to know that you care about you and you care about how you present yourself in the world. They want to see that you know all about putting your best foot forward. Find the awesome in you and women won't be able to stay away. Live! Hope! Dream!
Women love interesting men. Women love passionate men. Women love men who can keep their shit together when things get tough. Any man who works on himself a little can achieve that...but it takes work. "Language was invented for one reason boys - to woo women - and, in that endeavor, laziness will not do." Laziness in wooing women will not do, either. Don't be lazy. Be you--but from here on out, be a GREAT you! The women will then come and find you.
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To link to this blog (Red_Elf) use [blog Red_Elf] in your messages.
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