How To Handle Rejection -- Exhibit A
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Posted:Mar 24, 2016 12:32 pm
Last Updated:May 20, 2017 5:02 pm
26374 Views
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Now, as I mentioned in my last post, most dudes have zero ability to deal with rejection in a way that is neither abusive or draining. I'm going to show you a perfect illustration of a guy who does it 100% right. Now, I didn't owe him anything at any point, but I CHOSE to respond. Maybe you can figure out why.
Btw...he DID attach multiple pictures to his profile, as well, so among other very positive things, he demonstrated a clear ability to follow directions.
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Remember, Boys & Girls, Talking To People on the Internet is Talking To Strangers!
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Posted:Mar 24, 2016 8:32 am
Last Updated:May 20, 2017 1:30 pm
26574 Views
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Every so often i come across a guy bemoaning the fact that women, on the internet, are ignoring him.
Yeah, dude, sorry, not sorry. This is the internet and you are a stranger and nobody owes you a reply anymore than a woman owes you sex after dinner.
Frankly, this expectation is creepy.
Not only that, women are frequently subjected to horrific emotional abuse MOST of the time they turn a guy down...so...obviously, the only safe way to respond to someone one isn't interested in is to ignore. Plain and simple.
Not long ago, one of these guys just repeatedly, and persistently messaged me. Thing is, when I'm using my phone, blocking a dude like that is trickier, so I hadn't yet got around to it.
Finally, I just told him why I don't message guys who I'm not interested in. He feigned interest in how awful that was, and then tried to tell me how great of a guy he was so I'd go out with him.
Seriously?
What a waste of time and energy! It's incredibly draining dealing with this kind of nonsense. Even when men are not going to be abusive fucks, a giant number beyond that refuse to take no for an answer...so....why...on...earth...should...I...or...any...female...bother...to...respond...like...ever?
The delete button is so much easier.
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Which Ones Are You?
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Posted:Mar 23, 2016 5:37 pm
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2016 8:43 am
7765 Views
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Projecting Expectations
In my job, which involves many people, and in relationships with others on a more personal level, I've noticed some modus operandi that people tend to operate under that hugely impacts the quality of the relationships that they involve themselves in.
The first thing I think about are the way things are "supposed to be" people versus the "How things are" people.
How things are supposed to be
These people have a preordained idea about how they'd like to see people respond. They set things up the way that they believe needs to happen in order to obtain the desired result, and then they make a lot of fuss, often talking behind others' backs, about what everyone else did wrong when it doesn't work out quite the way they had planned.
The alternative--
How things are
These people take a look at who people are, and then they think about themselves, and they try to figure out how they can both fit alongside one another. Neither seeks to dominate the other, necessarily, although if the relationship is healthy, they will both walk away a certain degree influenced, as each empowers the other to achieve his or her own goals from the interactions. In this case, sometimes one person really is in charge of others, but will only maintain his or her power to the extent necessary to accomplish the external goals that all are striving for.
Projecting desires vs. appreciating and complementing what is
Projecting desires
A man or woman will find an object of their desire and immediately begin making comments about how that person "should" be. This might come in the form of telling the other person what he or she should like, or how he or she should behave. They view the object of their desire as an extension of self, in some respects, and as such, it is the duty of the object to be responsive to the requirements of the admirer.
This may come in the form of telling the other how to dress, how to wear his or her hair, how to present himself or herself, or just what words are cool and which ones aren't.
Sometimes this is part and parcel of simply being with someone who was too immature from the start. On the other hand, sometimes it is a means of control.
The end result is often change that the partner doesn't actually respect or find attractive and then has an affair or leaves as a result.
Appreciating and Complementing What Is
These people view the other as an individual with his or her own strengths and weaknesses. They see the other as a whole person and a whole package to appreciate and complement and enjoy, as is. There is no need to alter the other. He or she came with a fully realized and known sense of self. Any growth the other achieves is part of understanding his or her value to the relationship, not because the other implies, or even desires change. These people celebrate one another, each others' unique selves and personal traits. There is a lot of personal responsibility had on each person's part, because they don't need another mommy or daddy to straighten them out. They need a partner in crime.
My questions for you are:
Where do you see these things come into play in online dating?
Where are you operating today in your relationships, and why?
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Monogamy versus Nonmonogamy...and why?
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Posted:Mar 22, 2016 4:20 pm
Last Updated:Mar 23, 2016 6:46 pm
8580 Views
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So, as my main squeeze and I navigate the world of nonmonogamy, lots of things come up. As a whole, nonmonogamy makes way more sense to me. Emotionally, though, nonmonogamy presents challenges that I'm often having to try to figure out how I'll navigate.
I came to this site because I knew I'd find some more open minded people, and it has been the case.
That being said, tell me, because I'm curious, about how you navigate your decision making process around these ideas and what drives you.
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It's nothing new...
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Posted:Mar 21, 2016 5:18 pm
Last Updated:May 30, 2017 11:24 pm
8060 Views
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I'm laughing after reading another blog where the writer seemed to think it was novel that the people writing her were sending juvenile messages (i.e., those of a male persuasion).
Look, it's not a new thing that awkward people send these kinds of messages online. It's just what happens. Ranting against it, deriding it, and otherwise lashing out is not going to change these people. The joys of internet dating is that you can immediately rule these people out. Simple time saver.
Don't worry about it. These things take care of themselves.
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How far would YOU go?
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Posted:Mar 20, 2016 6:49 pm
Last Updated:May 20, 2017 1:06 pm
8276 Views
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I saw someone else's blog on this subject and laughed. I laughed because my limitations on distance are really unreasonable.
I basically want to meet people in my own backyard...or within a mile or two. I'm willing to consider North Hollywood, Burbank, Atwater, or someone along the red line, but my interest has to exceed the stress of that kind of travel.
I'll make an exception for someone super awesome who lives near the beach and can host in approximately the Venice area, just so I can get the hell out of dodge once in awhile.
That's it. That's my travel limitations.
What about you? How far are you willing to go for sex?
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"Drama-free" and "NSA"
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Posted:Mar 20, 2016 3:59 pm
Last Updated:Jul 3, 2017 1:11 am
8618 Views
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Hey, I dislike drama at my core. I'm conflict avoidant to a fault. I'm learning to figure out my feelings after having to bury them while being married to someone with a "Dismissive Insecure" attachment style, i.e., an extreme self-protector that became verbally abusive whenever I tried to talk to him about how I felt. I have a very strong flight instinct.
This being said, people on here saying they want "no drama" or "NSA" don't seem like the kind of people that would know how to do either situation in healthy ways. People are, at their cores, emotional. NSA usually means someone is just fine with doing something stupid and letting you live with the consequences, because they aren't concerned about building even remotely compassionate or caring relationships with others. On one occasion, someone did something quite assholish to me as a result. I learned.
Today I read, " when people tell you they ‘don’t want drama’, they’re generally participatory in it – yet so passively that they don’t recognize it’s happening...you pull away a bit, you get those looks on your face or your voice has an edge that you don’t even notice (but that your partner feels), you take longer to answer a text or message, you don’t take the garbage out… Or they can be more pronounced, e.g, you haven’t felt like having sex (or find yourself frustrated/annoyed while doing so), you get bothered easily, pick small (or large) fights, you bail on a date, keep forgetting to do something important the other wants or needs. The list is endless.
Thus, If you’re conflict avoidant, you’ll likely trigger stronger reactions in the other than you would by just facing and talking about it. But most avoiders wonder “why is this person reacting so badly?” Think of it as setting a fire and then running, leaving it to others to clean it up."
So, if you are advertising things like, "drama-free," or "no strings attached," think about what you are communicating. It might be quite different from what you think is being said.
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Naked
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Posted:Mar 19, 2016 12:51 am
Last Updated:Jul 23, 2017 5:27 pm
9335 Views
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What does it mean to you to be truly naked?
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What do you look for?
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Posted:Mar 15, 2016 6:27 pm
Last Updated:Jun 30, 2016 7:54 pm
7935 Views
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So, I often think what men think women are looking for and what women are actually looking for is terribly out of alignment. Well, it's not just me thinking this. There is plenty of data out there to support this idea, as well. Men just don't know what women like and they often project what they think women like in hopes that it will get them the attention of women.
What do I look for? I look for authenticity and I look for people I think I may find attractive and people who don't seem to define themselves by society's norms, but by their own sense of right and wrong and try to live by that. My idea of attractiveness is not some Fabian looking character or some super buff male. Often I wind up with men who are relatively slender, and relatively attractive, but not someone who stands out in a crowd attractive. I look for people comfortable in their own skin and who are kind to everyone around them. I look for people who aren't pushy or demanding in any way.
What do you look for?
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Working on the fucket list...
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Posted:Mar 14, 2016 6:59 pm
Last Updated:May 20, 2017 8:12 am
25818 Views
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1) More threesomes--Loved doing MFMs the times I've done them, and I wouldn't mind doing FMF, but please, no putting the pressure on me to perform with the woman. I'm not sure how far I can take that, even if I would like to experiment a bit.
2) 2, maybe 3 people I like as humans and play with routinely.
3) Unlikely to ever happen, because of my pickiness factor, and I realize I'd need a monitor, but gangbangs sound super hot to me.
4) Someone I feel super safe with who wanted to try some dominance things with me...but...usually the people I feel super safe with aren't really the ones who are into that kind of thing, so unlikely.
5) Some couples things with my main squeeze.
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Feelings, feelings, what do you do?
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Posted:Mar 13, 2016 3:56 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 7:9 am
7970 Views
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Feelings...we all have them, but I sure as hell don't always know what they mean.
Am I the only person who has no fucking clue what certain feelings are about? Sometimes I feel sad, but I can't even tell an empathetic person why. I realize a situation may feel bad to me, at times, but why it feels bad isn't entirely clear and I don't even know to identify the feeling, either. Is it just anxiety? Am I feeling hurt? Is it jealousy? Is it just my social conditioning doing a number on me? Or is it as simple as I just need to go eat dinner or get some rest?
How do you sort out your feelings?
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From the Inbox
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Posted:Mar 11, 2016 6:25 pm
Last Updated:May 30, 2017 11:24 pm
25918 Views
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Q: So what does loosely partnered mean?
A: Great question! Thank you for asking!
Most relationships today engage in, what one author describes as "climbing the relationship escalator." The idea being a strong focus on a relationship goal, that of a monogamous, usually married, partnership, for better or for worse. The question in these relationships are often things such as "Is this for real?" "Can this guy commit?" "Does she make me look good?" "Will this girl/guy meet ALL my needs?" "Will this person make bank (whatever financial partnership a person is seeking--males and females do this)?" The focus is always on if this person is "the one," and if they are taking the expected steps in the expected time frame towards higher and higher levels of commitment. The relationship dissolves if one of those milestones aren't reached, often after an ultimatum.
This is not the kind of partnership I want or have.
I don't believe in having a relationship characterized by ownership. My main relationship is characterized by deep levels of respect. We treat each other as independent people. We don't make demands. We don't set time lines. We don't live together, but we live fairly nearby. We care about each other very deeply--enough to advocate and support one another when we make decisions about who else we want to sleep with and when and where.
We disagree like adults. We don't accuse each other when we are upset, but focus on our own feelings and desires and are mostly always kind and compassionate, aiming to speak clearly about what we want, and yet, use tact when something doesn't work for us.
We have no shared finances and no shared walls outside of a small storage unit we share space in.
I'm not saying everything is always perfect and roses. I'm just saying that it is healthy and for two fairly conflict averse, compassionate, slutty, and yet, responsible adults, it seems to be working fairly well for us. I'm not saying we won't ever take another step up, but we are not on that fairly specifically paced escalator. We just are not on a time line for doing so at this point and we are both okay with the freedom and space for growth that it allows us.
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