Loss
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Posted:May 7, 2009 5:43 pm
Last Updated:Dec 27, 2010 2:24 pm
19853 Views
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I witnessed a loss last night at work. A woman lost her husband. She was there holding his hand when he passed on. The air was thick with both grief and relief that his suffering had ended. I watched her struggle with her emotions as she tried unsucessfully not to cry. Her best friend and father of her gone. I could feel her lonliness and pain. She thanked me and my coworkers for all we had done to make his last days more comfortable. I could only nod as I swallowed back the lump in my throat.
This is not the first nor I'm sure the last death I will witness. But each time I do it makes me appreciate those in my life all the more. It makes me take the extra time to do those little things that mean so much to others. Even if it's just an extra hug or expressing the sentiment that I care.
Life is but fleeting moments. Take the time to feel love and to let it into your hearts and yes it will hurt, but before it does, it will make your lives so much richer.
Her final words to me before I moved on to my other patients were, "There are so many wonderful memories." That's the stuff life is made of.
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Musings about my midgets
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Posted:May 6, 2009 11:21 am
Last Updated:Dec 19, 2015 6:39 pm
20177 Views
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Watching my youngest and how easily she smiles is one of my favorite past times. The smallest things can send her into a happy frenzy of smiles, laughter and cooing as she tries to communicate her pleasure and amusement. She loves to be held and cuddled, that human contact one of her biggest comforts. Eye contact and "flirting" great ways to pass the moments. Her face so full of honest expression. Every mood genuine. There is nothing so honest as a baby, so full of innocence and wonder. And occasionally full of mischievious play. 1 is a beautiful age.
Then there is the 3 year old. My independant little prankster. Always with the evil catch me if you can grin. Eager to please when it suits her, and always trying to figure things out. She is feisty and shy, quick to anger and quicker to laugh. She tries to stay angry when riled, unsucessfully. She is both easy to please and easy to annoy. My funny little leprechaun with the biggest hugs. I love coming in the door after a night of work and hearing her say, "Mommy I missed you."
And my 8 year old, the tempermental boss. So sure of herself and full of knowlege. Surely no one knows more than she! The mother hen, the oppressed so full of responsibility and burdened with things like brushing her hair each day. My drama queen, always playing the lead in every tragedy as life is so hard at this age.
Of course there is the 11 year old as well. of my heart though not my loins. She is old for her years and yet trying to remain ever young. Striving to be older, yet yearning for her younger days that should have been simpler and more carefree. She is the rockstar, diva, princess.
I look at all of my and see glimpses of myself in them that make me beam with pride and joy. Each of them unique and yet possessing many of the same qualities that make them precious. I see my daughters becoming wonderful people, open minded and free spirited. And I hope to myself that they have luck in everything they do, and that I can set a good example for them to follow.
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Break my heart, but my liver is mine to destroy
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Posted:May 4, 2009 3:43 pm
Last Updated:Jun 8, 2015 8:00 pm
21014 Views
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Forever doesn't last as long as the name would imply,
Too often hearts broken means someone will cry,
Happiness so elusive a thing to keep hold of,
What is this thing that is we called love?
Beginning so fun and full of smiles,
Masculine flirting and feminine whiles,
Excitement and joy make moments fly,
Promises and hopes of no goodbye.
The chase, the capture, the hopes and dreams,
Nothing is ever quite what it seems,
The ups and downs spin me all around,
Not quite beleiving in what I've found.
Opening mind, heart and soul to another,
So glad that we've finally found each other,
Hoping so much this moment will last,
And moving beyond the hurts of the past.
Settling down into a daily routine of life,
Playing the roles of husband and wife,
Bringing ourselves together in every way,
Every day so full of laughter and play.
Was it the friction caused by frustrations and strife,
Or the things that just kind of happen in life,
That makes things change, so small it seems at first,
Turning everything from what was the best, to the worst?
Every day things seem to go more and more,
All that stress makes our hearts so damned sore,
Screaming and fighting over things so simple and small,
Beginning to wonder why I ever loved you at all.
You didn't used to treat me this harsh, cruel way,
I look at you now and find there's nothing left to say,
I pack my heart and put it away now to save it from you,
How we got here from there, I haven't a clue.
Looking around at what surrounds is so frightening,
Future looks full of stormy thunder and lightening,
I open my eyes, pull myself together and prepare to live again,
Free of all but the memories of you, my one time lover and best friend.
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Change
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Posted:May 2, 2009 2:30 pm
Last Updated:Mar 9, 2018 10:31 pm
22338 Views
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It has been my experience that people do not really change unless they want to and put their full effort into it. It can not be a forced thing, or done with "help". It must be a decision one reaches on their own. True personal growth is an individual thing. It takes work, desire, and perserverence. If one tries to force change upon another it will be met with defiance and resistance. Often we are so wrapped up in our own self indulgence and narrow view of ourselves, that we do not see things from any other way but our own, It takes a step or two back to look at the view we project.
We are all selfish creatures to a degree. We do things because it makes us feel good, or happy. It pleases our own inner selves. Even when doing things for others, we do so because of the positive feelings it gives us. It boosts our own egos to make another smile, laugh, moan with delight. It feels good to get positive feed back and to be praised and or rewarded for our actions.
Even as , we "behave" to get positive results. We learn from an early age that good behavior equals good attention. We strive to please the people in our lives and to hide any behavior/actions that will cause unpleasant reactions or consequences.
As adults we realize that our actions effect others. We know that lying causes mistrust, cheating causes pain, and that treating our partners badly will result usually in them leaving us. Yet it happens every day. Homes and hearts are broken. Partners are left wondering how this could have happened to them. How could their best friend have mistreated them so badly?
Then come the excuses made to excuse our poor choices and hurtful behavior. The blame is placed anywhere but on our own selves. We were "driven to it", "It just happened", "He/She came on to me", "I wasn't getting what I needed", ect, ect, ect.
Are we really that weak of mind and will? Or do we just leap into relationships so quickly that we do not know what we are getting into? Do people really change that much from the time they meet them to the time they decide to become partners? Or is it a lack of honesty communication before those decisions are made? I'm sure it's a mixture of all of these things and much more. The reasons are as varied as are people.
I for one am tired of people not quitting one relationship before trying to begin another. If you have done everything to try and make your relationship work and it hasn't, leave. It really is that simple. Of course it is hard, and emotionally draining. And there are many other people to think of especially if you have . But how much more hurt and pain does it cause for everyone, if there is another person involved? Ending any relationship can be devestating, and a fear of ending up alone can be daunting. But who would rather stay in a bad relationship than to find peace in oneself with at least the hope of finding a good one?
At any rate, that is where I am. Moving on. Hoping for a better future and some peace.
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Contradictions in our natures.
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Posted:Apr 21, 2009 11:33 pm
Last Updated:Mar 9, 2018 10:43 pm
21769 Views
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I have noticed conflictions in many people that don't seem to make sense. It is as if confusion and drama is their goal. Maybe it's just plain hypocracy or selfishness or down right ignorance.
People that want to be adored, but are repulsed at the thought of anyone "clinging" to them.
People that expect faithfulness but give none.
Chase me but don't stalk me. (Yes, I know, it can be a fine line.)
You can't buy me, but buy me stuff.
Talk dirty to me, but use only the words that I like.
Take an interest in me, but don't be nosey.
Give me attention, but don't give me too much or I'll think you're too into me.
Talk to me, but don't tell me anything but what I want to hear.
Like me, adore me, but don't you dare love me.
Give me your everything while I hold back and give you crumbs.
Be at my beck and call, but honey, I'm just too busy for you right now.
Augh! Is it any wonder that I hid in my cave for so long? People are down right frustrating! It's all "I want", "Gimme", "Do it like this", "Don't do that", "You just don't get me"... Commands and demands. "Don't think for yourself, let me do it all for the both of us."
What happened to manners, and consideration? Human feeling and compassion?
It's not that I don't understand it, or that I "don't get you", I just find it repulsive, sad and maddening. Common decency and politeness has become rare and elusive.
A friend recently told me that it has to do with each of us being the lead in our own little plays and everyone else merely players to amuse and entertain us. That reminded me of a quote which states "You are just a cog in the wheel."
I do not lump all people into this of course. There are selfless, kind and considerate people still. They are just rare and outnumbered.
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Multiple truths
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Posted:Apr 21, 2009 9:03 am
Last Updated:Dec 19, 2015 6:39 pm
21174 Views
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This is about my thoery of multiple truths. Often times we come across situations that are uncomfortable at best, where we must tell somebody something negative; Whether it be "no", "I can't do that for you", "it's not going to happen", ect. Or just telling somebody something they don't want to hear. Politeness or at least diplomacy may be called for. There may be many truths that are accurate but we don't need to list them all to get our point across. For example, you receive an invitation to go somewhere but for various reasons you know it's not going to be an option; not enough money, no babysitter, you don't really want to go, you don't want to go with the person inviting you, ect. Instead of going into a long drawn out whine fest about why it's not going to happen, picking just one reason is usually sufficient to get your point across. Picking just one reason is the truth, but it is not the only truth possible.
I recently had a situation occur where diplomacy was called for. My next door neighbor drinks morning, noon and night. So when he came over to chat at 8am and was plastered already I was not suprised. I meet this with tolerance and humor as it's none of my business or concern. My S.O. has many issues with alcoholism and men in general so was not secretive in displaying his disgust. As wasted as he was, this was not lost on my neighbor and asked me about it the following day. I know I am going to have to deal with my neighbor for as long as we both habitate the same road and so diplomatically chose to tell him that my S.O. just has a jealousy problem and doesn't like other men being over here. A completely true statement, but well not entirely the whole heart of the matter. He replied in true form by telling me "It's not like he walked in on us fucking, not because I wouldn't, because I would you know." Not knowing quite what to say, I continued to sip on my coffee and laughed somewhat uncomfortably into my cup. Now what I had said was a generous gift the way I see it, as I could've embarassed or pissed him off with any other truth. Unfortunately it was not seen as such and so the "flirting" and comments continued for awhile much to my amusement.
At any rate, my point is I suppose, that lying is not necessary as long as there are enough truths that may go around the subject without hurting or embarassing anyone. And well, that just makes life a bit more enjoyable for everyone.
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I read that being a realist was a sign of depression, that made me sad.
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Posted:Apr 17, 2009 6:19 pm
Last Updated:Mar 9, 2018 10:28 pm
21233 Views
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I have been thinking lately about how we all are together in the one fact that we are all also alone. No matter how well a person may know each of us, no one can know everything about anyone. The fact of the matter is, not many people will ever take the time to know much of another person anyways. And often we do not have the slightest idea of what we mean to anybody else.
The man I have spent the last 10 years of my life has no idea what my secret dreams and fantasies entail and in fact would never beleive that I could ever think of or desire such things. My friends, my family, while they may know much about me and have spent much time with me know much, but not everything. Yet a person in my life less than a week, whom knows basically nothing about me or who I am stumbled upon it almost immediately
with no prompting or hints. How amusing and fun. To be discovered and to explore even virtually the darkest most secret dreams I have.
While this computer world may be a bit busier and impersonal one than years past it also brings new opportunities to explore and discover safely and anonamously if that is what one chooses. It gives chances to broaden our horizons and share our dreams and fantasies without fear.
After all who wants to be judged, ridiculed, looked down upon and scorned for feelings that are just that, feelings. We all have secret selves that the word as a whole would not condone. "Normal" is the thing most everyone strives to appear at least on the outside. Is it any wonder that honesty
is such a hard thing when the fear of rejection is the price? Often we lie even to ourselves in order to satisfy the status quo.
I have lived sheltered in my little self imposed cave for a very long time, doing all I was "supposed to do" and denying myself the possibilities of anything else. Do I want to change the very core of myself? No. I like who I am. Do I dare evolve. Yes. As a very dear friend of mine has said on numerous occasions, "baby steps". Do I impulsively leap at times? Oh yes. Will I regret my missteps? Perhaps. But I will keep my memories and learn from every moment and savor my life. And so I reach out. To help fill that empty feeling that sometimes touches us all.
And perhaps, just perhaps, I will know more of who I am even when nobody else tries to find out.
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To link to this blog (peekabooicu2ucme) use [blog peekabooicu2ucme] in your messages.
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