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| Blogs > gottaring > Out of the Mouth of a Babe... |
It's Not Me, it's You
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It's Not Me, it's You How do you know if you're good in bed? I've read a few posts this evening in which people claimed that they had a negative sexual experience and it was all the fault of their partner. Might be true, you never know, but I have to wonder what makes us always lay the blame on the other party? Obviously there are vanity and pride to consider, but have you ever really looked at your own performance and admitted that it was lacking in some way? That your heart wasn't in it that night, or he/she was just too much to keep up with? I'd bet that the opposing parties in these situations thought they were all that and a bag of chips. They are either oblivious to their partners disappointment, or share in it by blaming the other person just as they are being blamed themselves. How do you tell someone that they let you down? Better yet: do you say anything at all? Or just decline a second visit? What if you tell them they were amazing and are met with nothing more than, "Gee, thanks." and no reciprocal praise? Do you assume you were okay, or do you suddenly wonder if they are mentally nicknaming you after a cold water amphibian? I think this is one of those areas where men are from Mars and women are from Venus...Men have an orgasm and that means the sex is good. If they DON'T cum, that means it wasn't good, right? Correct me if I'm wrong here, Guys. Women, on the other hand, can orgasm and still consider the sex lousy. Especially if we have to reach that orgasm solely through our own manipulations. Alternatively, we can NOT have an orgasm at all and still feel that the sex was amazing. Again- Ladies feel free to amend my statements. So tell me, Fair Readers...what constitutes 'bad sex'? And have you ever been accused of coming up short (pun intended, I guess) in the bedroom? Would you WANT to know if your partner wasn't satisfied? No one has ever told me I was lousy in the sack, but I assume that's because my partners have gone mute with pleasure  . Or they're dumbfounded by my behavior...not sure. I should stick to desperate men...they can't afford to be picky  .When it comes to sex, I need a STRONG connection. Otherwise, the page just keeps buffering and takes FOREVER to load... |
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GOOD
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I have never had anyone tell me I was bad in bed, even when I didn't bring my a game. I am positive that there were times I was less than stellar, but I never was told about it. 2022... it HAS be better, right?!
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I can't speak for every man, but in my case, orgasm/ejaculation does NOT equal sexual satisfaction. There have been plenty of occasions when, yes, I came, but I was far from satisfied. I think of the last few sexual encounters with my ex when I felt worse after cumming than I did before we started... I also think of recent adventures with new playmates where I didn't orgasm, but had a very incredible time. (And, in a few cases, had what I would call a full body orgasm, but did not ejaculate.) If you're gonna get stuck, get Stuck In The Middle With You
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gottaring replies on 5/21/2012 3:47 pm: You're an exception to a few rules, A. A lot of men don't WANT to hear advice and suggestions because they assume it's an attack on their manhood or prowess. The opposite is actually true: a GOOD MAN will welcome some direction because he recognizes that all women are not created equal. What Kittie likes, Gottaring might not like, etc. Oh I know. Everything Kittie would go to give me a type or suggestion she would add in "not that everything you did wasn't fantastic ..." I kept having to tell her she didn't have to stroke my ego with with that. I was open to suggestions and would not be hurt by them. I would only be hurt if I found she was praising me for something I was doing wrong or poorly.
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GR...first thing is that you don't have to tell a guy he's done something "wrong", there are many other ways to "lead" him in the right direction without ever saying, "Hey, that didn't work and it was all wrong". I love what 3Kisses said about the Beautiful Mind Fuck, because for me it really is. Just please, don't fuck with my mind if you really can't follow through with it.  Everyone had a bad day once in a while, but if the bad's start adding up faster than the goods...it's time to say goodbye. And that can go both ways. I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn
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Well let me correct you on one thing. Not all guys need to orgasm to consider sex good. From recent experience, when I was still seeing Kittie. After watching a movie we started to fool around a bit. Given her living situation I'd set a hard limit on what I was willing to do there. Well this night we jumped right past that limit and I was getting gone down on. Usually I have no trouble cumming from that. But this night for whatever reason I was having trouble. We ended up getting interrupted so I never did cum. But it was still fabulous. How do you tell if your good or not. That is a hard question. I've always told people I was with. If there is anything I do that doesn't do if for you, let me know. I want to know if I'm doing something wrong. I always try to put my ego and vanity aside to learn to be a better lover. I can't do that if my partner wont be honest with me about my performance.
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It all comes down to compatibility, rather than skill. One chick's terrible lay is another chick's mind-blowing sex, and vice versa. Smart as a horse and hung like Einstein.
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It takes two to tango. If the sex isn't happening then both partners should say so asap! I'm no expert, but I do know it's not the end of the world if I don't have an orgasm every time. 
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5/21/2012 7:08 am |
As long as you and your partner are passionate there is no bad sex. A lot of lesser sex comes early in a relationship when you're just feeling each other's bodies out, so to speak. But with passion it still makes it good sex. Some of the best sex I ever had was when it was all foreplay - no intercourse or oral. Just kissing, and cuddling, and fondling, and talking. It's all in the mind and letting your partner know how adorable she (or he) is.
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Awesome topic here..oK here is my list.. *Feeling like your a "toilet"..wham bam thank you Ma'am.. *BORING.. *Too drunk *tiny penor..and I do mean TINY I know I was bad in bed a couple of times..once being drunk and I puked all over him..and the other time..I called out another guy's name..OOPSH .me bad.. What Gag Reflex? I am A Cum Guzzler!   
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I don't think your gender stereotypes are necessarily true. I have had plenty of partners who are not focused solely on orgasms. Here is a list of things that can make sex bad in my book: -bad kissing, or not enough (too much tongue, too slobbery are my biggest complaints here) -inattention to body parts other than genitalia -lack of enthusiasm/passion -lack of variety -no oral or bad oral -partner who is not aggressive enough (I prefer the man to be in control, at least when we are getting to know each other) -lack of eye contact (you won't be staring at each other the whole time, but there should be some seriously hot eye contact at some point) I could probably think of more but that's what I have at 8:50 this morning. ***
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You should never have to ask, but the proof is in the repeat engagements and in the increasingly uninhibited display of passion and sensuality between partners. I have no problem feeling a man's genuine hunger for me (not just for my pussy). I can also feel when that hunger is absent. That's only half of it, of course. A man needs hunger, really genuine desire, PLUS stamina PLUS sensuality to satisfy me. Almost invariably, the man that I'm with gushes, probably because I'm a gusher, too, but literally. That's not to pat myself on the back, though. I've gotten VERY good over the years at only picking men as lovers that I can really open up to and be uninhibited with. That's my true sexual talent. So, I'm stacking the deck towards win/win in a way. There are PLENTY of men who would find sex with me repellant because of the mess. So, I don't have sex with those guys. Do you find that men in their 30s are still focused on their own orgasm? I haven't found that for a while now. Great sex is about so much more than an orgasm for both men and women, I really do think. Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale Her infinite variety. Other women cloy The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry Where most she satisfies. For vilest things Become themselves in her, that the holy priests Bless her when she is riggish. ~~ from Antony & Cleopatra
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ohmigod i hate bad sex. i mean, how do you tell someone? i tried by saying he was not sexually experienced enough for me. there's just no good way to say it. some folks just do not have erotic skills or any sense of sensuality much less know their way around the female anatomy. great sex is a mix of skill, knowledge and a passionate nature. skill and knowledge can be gained but i think passionate nature is inherent or it's just not there.
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Its all about the communication in my book. I'm a 50/50 sorta girl. I want to touch, taste, explore my partner, but I also want my partner to give me a hint of what turns them on physically, what they like sexually. Take my hand and put it there, or whisper to me what feels good, tell me you want me to suck your nipples or whatever! And If I don't know what pleases you, I doubt that you are going to feel like it was "great"... and that will just make me feel awful. I want my partner to touch me, stroke my skin (in more than just the obvious places) taste me, explore my body please! Ive got more erogenous spots than Atlanta has construction zones! Go ahead and wander around a bit, see what kind of response you get When those things happen, its magical and very very good. When it doesn't, I'll still enjoy it, but is it a 9.9 on a 10 pt scale? Not so much. "You've seen my descent, Now watch my rising!" - Rumi Some women are lost in the fire. Some women are forged from it - Michele K.
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5/21/2012 4:00 am |
Okay, some random thoughts on this (AWESOME topic, by the way, Gotta!): a) I don't think you can fairly evaluate the sex with someone after one time. There are definitely exceptions here! (For instance, if I'm with a woman and she goes Ali-Frazier on my nutsack...bad sex! You don't get another kick at the cat!) Neither person is likely to really open up sexually until they feel a little more comfortable. b) A friend of mine once said that "mindfucking begets amazing sex" and there's a lot of truth to that. If there's this overwhelming passion leading up to it...sex becomes the physical release. Any really AWESOME sex I've had in my life has been the product of mental foreplay. Conversely, "bad sex" has usually come from random, spur-of-the-moment hookups with people I barely knew. c) "Men have an orgasm and that means the sex is good. If they DON'T cum, that means it wasn't good, right? Correct me if I'm wrong here, Guys." - You couldn't be MORE wrong, lol. I've had awesome sex where I didn't cum and I've really bad sex where I did. Exhibit A) I don't know if other guys go through this or not...but I "heat up" a lot during sex. If it's nothing but hardcore slamming away for awhile...I start getting intensely warm. (Fuck me, now I'm coming across as some sweaty ass Sasquatch or something.) I can't cum when I'm like that...I have to slow down a little bit and cool off. Exhibit  The sex is lame. She's just laying there, or she's not "into it"...whatever the issue? Guys can "finish up" in a way that women probably can't. Think of masturbation: you control the pace, the angle...you position EVERYTHING just right so that you can get off. Well, during sex? Guys can do that easily enough. Cum? Yes. Good sex? Nope...lot like masturbation. d) Don't lie about it...I'd much rather hear the truth, especially if there's going to be a "round two." I mean, you don't have to rain down criticism on me, but tell me what you liked/didn't like. Give me a little direction if I'm a little off. I'm happy to make some adjustments! e) Great sex? Mutual. Entire bodies are the sex organs and you both give as much as you get. Bad sex? Flying solo...all about the dick/vag. At least that's my take on it...I'm sure everyone has their own opinions. Again...awesome topic!
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I think a lot of us have those moments when we do not perform quite the way we wish to. Those times where we are too tired, have other life distractions or sometimes toooo much to drink. A lot of how good the sex is has to do with the foreplay. A lot of massage and kissing normally gets all of the body parts in the mood, especially the brain. Knowing what the other person likes will help to make the sex better. Someone who likes hard rampant sex might not like a slow comfortable screw. It is difficult to tell someone that sex with them sucks though.
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gottaring replies on 5/20/2012 11:18 pm: I think thats pretty common when dudes age. Either they cum quickly, or they can't cum at all. I think this is remedied by lots and lots of foreplay The foreplay is what gets me. I love it but the more I have it. The quicker I cum . This is not meant to offend any one in any way.     
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I don't think there is such a thing as bad in bed (assuming we aren't talking about something akin to sexual assault). I think that people can be woefully mismatched and the sex unsatisfactory. One person's jackrabbit is just fine to someone else; one person's slobbering St Bernard is someone else's passionate kisser. I agree I've had a mismatch but had an orgasm I've also had great sex and didn't.
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I don't ask that that question.  I know when I have I been bad in bed. Even at this age I still cum too fast. This is not meant to offend any one in any way.
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bad sex = solo sex. its a two person game. just sitting there and keeping your mouth shut is no way to go about it. we get to the point of almost screaming "just touch my cock already" but instead we moan etc. be honest with your partner, expect honesty, good sex will follow.
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