What I've learned after prostate cancer

I'm a masc m that doesn't advertise except here. I'm very aware of how people treat you if they find out you also like cock. So I've had a few experiences with playing in the past but never had anything in me but toys. I've given head and enjoy the feeling of a man growing in my mouth and exploding his load there. I really enjoy it but don't get it enough because I'm so far in the closet. When I play with toys I'm so horny I just want to abuse myself to get it out of my system. Back to the story though. After getting cancer I had to take hormone pills which made my testosterone plummet to nothing. I'm off them now but the effects are still there for now. Anyway I was reading and trying to get back to normal when I came across a story that talked about prostate massage. I've only played by myself with toys except for my ex who used a strap on on me to "teach me how it felt to be banged". I guess she didn't think I'd like it as much as I did. She took a pretty big cock and fucked me hard. really hard, I didn't know she had it in her, but after the initial shock of the big head popping past and in I started to really like the feel of it and I came so hard from it that every time we'd argue after that I was "a fucking queer" so that ended that. Back to the massager. Has anyone ever tried this? Omg I clean out real good but although I know it's mostly from douching, I drop literal cum when I pull it out. I didn't know anyone could cum anally. It seems I'm trying to help my prostate more and more now, but I wonder what it would feel like to have a cock or cocks driving me hard for real. I personally think it would help me get better. Yes we'll stick with that. Any takers male or female want to see how you can help me "get better"?