Awakening and Re-birthing
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Posted:Feb 10, 2014 10:33 pm
Last Updated:Mar 1, 2014 2:47 pm
18908 Views
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I have been so quiet lately; and I have been silent on many levels. I have been awfully quiet on the blog especially. And that is odd because I have so very much to say, and share. I just don't know where to begin.
This is a good place: Lately I have been birthing a new perspective on life and love.
For many years now I have been very fortunate to have the special opportunity to share my body and sometimes my mind, with a surprising number of people. Looking back, I can hardly believe how many men, women, and couples were attracted to me and felt like bringing me into their beds. I was surprised, and I still am, because I am not especially good-looking; I am not at all well-endowed; and I am not particularly long-lasting either. But I am friendly and easygoing, and genuinely interested in people, and I pay attention.
In the early days of my sexual adventures I was loath to get emotionally entangled with people. I wanted as much sexual fun as I could manage, and every time I started to care about someone, she had to go and ruin things by trying to own me and possess me, and invariably she would get jealous about my other sexual relationships and try and convert me to monogamy. Over time I began to feel profoundly broken, like I had some sort of mental disorder and everywhere I turned, I was being judged about it. My reaction was always the same: I resisted, I withdrew, I vanished.
I have always wished I could have someone in my life who accepts that I am different, and doesn't make me feel broken. After never finding what I wanted, I decided to be that person I wanted to love.
So a few years ago, I discovered love. It wasn't love for any particular person. It was a sense of love that settled on me and landed softly, like a bird, on my heart and filled me to overflowing with an appreciation for people. Where I once was judgmental, I found acceptance and tolerance. Something happened inside me and I decided that although I was risking heartbreak, I was going to stretch myself out and let myself FEEL love for my sex partners.
The way I accomplished that goal was to first find some regular sexual partners, and then let myself feel love for them. It worked okay but it wasn't great. Then I met Lia. She was the first ever polyamorous person I slept with. I was unfamiliar with the concept. Lia made me feel like I was not broken at all; instead, she complimented me on how evolved my intuitive sense of polyamory was. I was so grateful to her for opening my eyes, for showing me a community where I felt I belonged, and I really thought I had found my dream person, someone who didn't think I was broken. And somehow I mistook that gratefulness and shared philosophy for love. But despite being polyamorous, Lia never really wanted to be in love with me; and so I ended our relationship and moved on. But for five months I was in great pain about that relationship, and also because of her behavior I grew very disillusioned with the POLYAMORY title and concept.
I got very discouraged with polyamory and its inherent emptiness and impermanence. Poly is a thin veneer of nobility pasted onto the surface of a mountain of hornies. People are using each other as sex toys without reaching deeper or higher. It's just "poly" without the "amory" in that sense; lots of "many" partners with very little actual "love." And, I think I have been one of the worst offenders. There is so much easy sex, so cheaply given away.
So, quite by accident, three people healed me and made me feel better. I met a couple last summer that I haven't quite figured out how to write about yet, and our connection was so special and deeply satisfying that it left me very dramatically changed.
Then in the past year, I also spent lots of time with my friend Silver. She was young and beautiful, yet completely unattainable; she was in a monogamous relationship, dating a wonderful guy who was perfect for her. Silver and I started seeing each other a couple times a week, and we built the most beautiful and loving friendship. We would snuggle together in her bed and just enjoy each other's presence, not even a hint of sexual arousal there. We would often say we loved each other and we would sometimes softly kiss, not a passionate kiss but just a comfortable placing of our lips together. Eventually we grew to want to share ourselves with each other sexually and finally, we had sex a couple of times.
It was the most beautiful, connected, healing, mind-altering sex I have ever known -- by a great long shot.
And I have been quiet ever since, trying to form my thoughts into words. And here is what I get:
All my life -- every other relationship I have ever had, was sexual before there was love. With Silver, for the first time in my life, it was exactly the opposite. I loved her deeply and madly, way before we ever got sexual.
And it blows my mind. It will take me some time now, to figure out what that means.
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